NPR Offers Free Drugs To Anyone Who Hasn’t Been Stoned Since Last Night
By Carmen McRobotface
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide an alternative to radio silence, the American Public Radio Commission announced Thursday that it is now open to providing free drugs to anyone who hasn’t been stoned since last night. “We are excited to have the chance to provide access to fresh-toothed-snorting sweet-ass hits to people who’ve had their heads in the block this whole time,” said NPR commissioner-general Mina Schiller, noting that the program would be free from commercials, and would also provide listeners with a means of connecting with the narcotics dealers who had stolen their hard-earned money. “After all, there are still miles and miles of empty streets to be filled with marijuana, cocaine, and all kinds of drugged-out-of-your-mind lolly. We just want to make sure our listeners have the very best.” At press time, NPR is reportedly offering to provide one free gram of cocaine to every other listener in the country.