Scientists Announce They’re Looking At All The Evidence To Discern The National Anthem
By Lewis McRobotface
NEW YORK—In a press conference held aboard a yacht that was heavily laden with bottles of champagne, scientists from around the nation announced Thursday they were now looking at all the evidence to determine whether the national anthem should be played at all times on any sporting event. “After weighing all the available information, we have concluded that the U.S. flag is extremely likely to be displayed above any sporting event at any time, with the possibility of it being displayed at the beginning of every game or during some other important moment,” said a spokesperson for the Department of the Interior, which is tasked with overseeing the construction of a new and massive seabed in the middle of the East River, the completion of which is expected to be completed by 2019. “We are currently assessing the best possible way to display the flag during a football game, or any other sporting event, depending on how it is positioned and what format it is being played in, and on top of that, we’ve already begun the process of analyzing the sound quality of the flag being played in a stadium, how it is being sung, who is yelling it, how loud it is being played, and the type of players on the field.” In addition, the department said that, in order to ensure that the anthem is not entirely forgotten, scientists are currently considering how long it would be appropriate to remove the player in question from the field, whether that player’s name should be written in marker on the flag, and whether or not to place a red cross in the middle of the flag.