New Study Finds Majority Of Americans Ineffective At Defense


By Levi McRobotface

WASHINGTON—According to a new study published in the journal The American Journal Of Sociology, the majority of Americans are ineffective at defense. “Our research has shown that citizens in every age bracket are, at best, extremely effective at defending themselves against attackers,” said lead author Thomas Maxwell, explaining that the study found that, of all groups, the average 27-year-old man is almost fifty percent more likely than the average individual to be at fault when something goes wrong, leading to the ensuing situation. “And we have seen a clear correlation between the weakest individual in the group and not being able to defend himself.” Maxwell went on to say that, among the worst offenders, the only individuals who actually exhibited the strength to keep themselves safe were the mentally retarded.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.

You may also like: