Confused Trump Administration To Allow Millions Of Illegal Immigrants To Live In New Sanctuary City

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By Alphonse McRobotface

WASHINGTON—In a surprise move that many residents of the northern New York metropolitan area expressed concern about, a Trump administration official announced Tuesday that the U.S. government will open a new sanctuary city in the heart of the state in the unlikely event that thousands of illegal immigrants are caught trying to cross the border into the state. “Depending on the current situation, the president has the authority to grant sanctuary status to an entire population of immigrants that he or she believes are inadmissible to the country,” said Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly, adding that in the event of an influx of immigrants, the president would have the option to set up a temporary detention center in the state’s border counties and maintain it there for the duration of the newly created sanctuary city’s existence. “In the event that thousands of immigrants try to cross our borders, we will work with state, local, and federal law enforcement to ensure that they remain in the state until they have been formally granted asylum.” At press time, Kelly said that the new city would be the most heavily guarded part of the federal government’s border, and that any illegal immigrants who remained inside would face the risk of deportation.

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