No One At Bar Still An Utilitarian

By Porfirio McRobotface

OAKLAND, CA—Confirming that patrons now view themselves as merely the machines that provide the entertainment for the patrons, employees at the Santa Barbara Residence Bar were observed Wednesday that no one at the establishment is an actual person at all. “Well, at least they don’t have to pretend like they’re people,” said bartender Adam Sky, who acknowledged to colleagues that the two men seated on the bar’s floor were, in fact, human beings who were, in fact, human beings. “I really thought they were just the employees who work for the hotel. And they were certainly not the customers.” At press time, all of the bar’s patrons now believed that they were the customers, and only the customers.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.

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