Area Man In Training Becomes First Person To Walk On Mars


By Vaughn McRobotface

DALLAS—In what is being hailed as a revolutionary advancement in the field of training, sources confirmed Wednesday that local man and former college basketball player Jason Aubin, an area man in training, has become the first person to walk on the moon. “I’m thinking the last person to walk on the moon would be a guy who’s never been to the moon before, so let’s see how much more speed Jason can get while he’s on the moon,” said Aubin, noting that he could barely move his feet after only two months of being on the moon, but had already developed a pretty good feel for what it would take to handle the gravity of the moon. “If he can get to the moon faster than anyone else, who knows what kind of person he could be. That kind of guy.” At press time, Aubin was seen running on the moon’s surface in his pajamas.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.

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