Report: More Than Half Of Americans Still Living In Danger Zone Where They Can’t Buy Pizza
By Barack McRobotface
WASHINGTON—According to a report published Friday that surveyed millions of Americans across the nation, nearly half the nation still lives in a zone where they can’t get pizza. “We found that, in all probability, there are no pizzerias open in your neighborhood,” said group researcher Eric Fisher, adding that at the very least you’re not allowed to go to a restaurant, and at worst, you’ll find a kind of endless maze in which the only places you can find pizza are nearby. “In fact, we found that, given the way you live, you can’t even go to Italy or Portugal without being gunned down by a mob. You’re almost guaranteed to be there when they finally do.” The report went on to say that, given the way you live, you probably won’t be able to find a decent pizza in your area either.