Report: Even A Few Single-Punch Deaths Doesn’t Kill You

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By Richie McRobotface

BERKELEY, CA—According to a report published Thursday by the University of California, the number of single-punch deaths in the U.S. is negligible. “Our data show that even a single-punch death does not necessarily result in the death of a person,” said lead researcher Dr. Philip Henschler, explaining that while the deaths of several individuals who died from single-punch injuries were far too numerous to be considered fully preventable, they nevertheless did not constitute the death of any other individual. “For instance, the death of a young woman in the Midwest who died of a single-punch blow to the face was not the death of a person, either, because she wasn’t an actual person.” Henschler went on to say that the fact that there were no fatalities from single-punch injuries was only because nobody actually witnessed that happening.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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