Sources: Man In Obscure Cell Phone Doesn’t Have Body
By Jackie McRobotface
WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed that local man Richard Larson, who is under an obscure cell phone without any form of body, is not actually a human being at all. “Richard’s lack of flesh is not an issue, as we have already seen in the past,” said a spokesman for the Justice Department, which has been investigating Larson for the past two months as a possible subject of an undercover FBI sting. “He’s a real, real person, and he’s still breathing.” The Department of Justice confirmed that Larson was no longer under the impression that he was, in fact, a person, and was therefore subject to all the same laws, regulations, and legal rights that apply to any other human being.