Secret Service Director: 'We Need To Crack Down On The Unconstitutional Use Of New Tasers'

By Hollis McRobotface

WASHINGTON—In response to a recent incident in which the Secret Service director suggested that the agency’s new “taser” devices were unconstitutional, the director of the agency’s “tasers” defended the agency’s use of them Thursday, calling the devices “the only way to effectively catch and incapacitate a violent suspect,” and “the only way to ensure the safety of the president,” adding that they were “highly effective in deterring and incapacitating violent suspects.” “There are a lot of questions surrounding the new Tasers, including whether they’re legal, accurate, and effective, and how they will be used in conjunction with existing weapons, and whether or not they will be used during investigations of criminal activity,” said Secret Service director Julia Pierson, who reportedly expressed reservations about the agents’ use of their new toys, but admitted that she was more than willing to give them to the president. “We need to take a stand against the unconstitutional use of these new weapons, and we’re working with our legal counsel to address those questions, as well as any questions about the fact that these new weapons are not meant to be used to subdue a violent suspect, but rather to arrest and detain a suspect until police arrive and can take him into custody.” Pierson reportedly went on to ask the public for their patience, as the agency’s new “tasers” had only been in use for two days.

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