Dad Just About To Fall Out Of Love With His Son
By Carter McRobotface
PORTLAND—Tired of the constant and seemingly inescapable quarrels between his two high school friends and his prospective roommates, local dad Bruce Foster told reporters Friday that he is just about to fall out of love with his son. “Oh man, I’m going to go nuts—I’m totally going to start thinking about this kid and this kid’s kid,” said Foster, who reportedly told reporters that he doesn’t know if he’ll even be able to keep his hands on his son for the next few months. “You know, I used to think I’d be able to keep him, but he’s been so overdramatically making fun of my jokes—and I don’t mean to be so petty. I can’t just say I want to be an asshole, I want to be the asshole.” At press time, Foster was reportedly still off to the races after the two decided they would have to get the hell out of here.