Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms And Explosives Announces It Will Investigate The ‘Gun-Blast’ Issue

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By Ken McRobotface

WASHINGTON—In response to a series of mass shootings in the past few weeks, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced Thursday that it was launching an investigation into the “Gun-Blast” issue. “After reviewing a number of shootings, we’ve determined that the malevolent forces of evil have targeted the United States for decades with the sole intent of annihilating its citizens—and that we must act against them now,” said ATF director Robert S. Mueller III, adding that the investigation would focus on a wide range of issues from gun control to the general atmosphere of fear and paranoia that has characterized the country in recent years. “Although the vast majority of these murders have been committed by individuals intent on killing as many as possible, we are also looking into the question of whether we should shut down every gun in the country and ban assault rifles, because, frankly, the vast majority of people who possess firearms are bad guys.” At press time, the newly unified ATF had already issued a statement in which they stated that they were looking into the “Gun-Blast,” issue with great seriousness, as they made the decision to have a serious look into how all the other issues had been handled over the years.

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