Man In Copenhagen Learns He's Going To Die
By Branden McRobotface
SINAI, DENMARK—Saying that it was all about time to move on, local man Dave O’Brien, 34, learned that he was going to die this Thursday. “Oh my God, that was a huge mistake—now I’m going to have to start grieving for myself,” said a visibly distressed O’Brien, adding that he had never felt so helpless and alone in his whole life. “I knew I was a huge fool for thinking I could handle this, and now I’m going to have to start living with the fact that I’m going to die.” At press time, O’Brien was sobbing quietly and wailing on the floor of his living room.