Man Wishes He Could Use Most Of Birthday Speech To Set Up For Next Event


By Mariano McRobotface

NEWTON, MA—Noting that there was nothing quite like hearing his old college roommate's excitement about being in a party, 34-year-old Jonathan Collins was reportedly wishing Tuesday that he could use most of his birthday speech to set up for the next one. “Oh, man, I wish I could get the chance to say, ‘Hey guys, how’d you like to go out for a few beers?’” said Collins, adding that he wished he could get to the point where he could set up his phone and show his friends his new favorite place in the city. “I know it’s your birthday, but you never know how many more times I’ll hear it. I could be talking to my grandkids or some of my coworkers I’m really good friends with, you know? It’s a shame, but I’ll probably never get to.” At press time, Collins had reportedly decided to forget the entire speech and just go for the day.

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