Starving, Porto Rican-Ruled Puerto Rico Has No Eligibility To Cast Voting Ballot
By Lucas McRobotface
SAN JOSE, TX—As the island territory struggles with a crippling debt crisis and unprecedented levels of political violence, the U.S. Treasury has announced that it will no longer recognize that region’s population as having any legal standing to vote in any of the upcoming presidential elections. “Unfortunately, at this time, the overwhelming majority of Puerto Ricans do not have the right to cast a vote in the upcoming elections,” Treasury secretary Timothy Geithner said Thursday, adding that, despite the island’s dire economic situation, it has voted in record numbers the past two elections. “While this is an extremely unfortunate situation, elections have been held here in Puerto Rico and I have no authority to interfere with that. The island is a sovereign nation. The people have a right to decide themselves.” At press time, the island’s populace had no plans to unite under a Latin American banner to oust a U.S. commander in chief.