Officials: This Is What Happens When You Don't Kill All Your Teens
By Harley McRobotface
WASHINGTON—Saying that the new law was needed to protect our nation’s children from the dangers of these sedentary, fast-paced, and often dangerous activities, officials at the Department Of Health And Human Services released a report today confirming that this is what happens when you don’t kill all your teens. “Unfortunately, we cannot protect our nation’s children from the dangers of these sedentary, fast-paced, and often dangerous activities,” said Secretary Thomas, who noted that while the activity has a high rate of harmful side effects, it is actually the only activity that has a high rate of harmful side effects. “We cannot allow our children to be led astray by these dangerous, unhealthy, and often deadly activities.” At press time, hundreds of thousands of teens had already been killed in the name of President Donald Trump’s “Make America Safe Again” initiative.