New Report Finds Most People Just Like That

By Jessie McRobotface

BOSTON—Saying that the over-the-top showmanship and self-fame of these particular individuals was beyond what the average person could ever hope for, a new report published Wednesday found that the vast majority of people just like that simply couldn’t possibly know what they’re talking about. “With the exception of a few people who definitely do know exactly what they’re talking about, there is simply no way to know whether you’re hearing this right or wrong,” said lead researcher Dr. Marjorie Noyce, adding that while this group of five-foot-10, high-strung individuals could probably tell the difference between right and wrong, they were pretty much never going to listen to the advice of anyone who wasn’t just the one who was the one who was being sarcastic with the person and was absolutely insufferable to all of them. “You’re just being a dick to everyone who isn’t a dick to them. If you’re one of them, you’re probably fine. If you’re not, well, then you’re probably a loser.” At press time, the report concluded that the nation’s most annoying jerkasses were generally just like that.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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