According to a report published Wednesday, the military is overwhelmed with the number of Asian-looking Americans serving in the U.S. military.

EAST LANSING, MI—Sources confirmed Monday that local 36-year-old Justin Dahlen finds it hard being loved by every person he meets. “To be completely honest, I think there’s a lot I like about this guy, but really, he just seems like a total asshole,” said a visibly annoyed Dahlen, who, according to reports, has a hard time believing that it’s a good person to spend the rest of his life with. “For instance, I don’t like the way he talks to people. Or the way he treats me. Or the fact that he makes me uncomfortable. But, honestly, I don’t think he’s that bad. In fact, I think he’s pretty nice.” Sources confirmed that the recent breakup with his wife has also caused Dahlen considerable issues with his family.

Hey, guys. I'm not going to pretend I'm not your old pal, and I'm not going to pretend that I haven't gotten to know you guys pretty well. But I don't think you realize that I've been around longer than anyone of you. I sat down with you here tonight, and I was just about to get you some more, but I had to stop for a minute. I told you, I have a lot of friends! That's true! My friends are all just friends of friends. And just like that, you'll get to me when I need you the most!

TACOMA, WA—Saying that he has spent the past few months planning and executing the elaborate scheme, area man Aaron Dowd has reportedly been unaware he has a deadbeat dad trying to give him a kidnap. “I’ve been happy that my dad is on the side of good, but I guess there is a problem here,” said Dowd, who noted that he has been hounding his uncle “all week” for the past several months to take the man to jail for failing to pay child support. “Maybe I should have known this was going to be an uphill battle, but I guess I didn’t.” At press time, sources confirmed Dowd had also been thinking about a child-steal.

SAN JOSE, CA—The novel The Mist, published Tuesday by HarperCollins, satirizes the novel King published in 1972 for the screen. "The Mist is an honest-to-God account of how the King name was used to get into a literary elite," King wrote in a foreword to The Mist's New York Times bestseller edition. "The Mist is also a cautionary tale of how the King method became the King method." King told reporters he began writing The Mist after his teenage son Mike discovered a copy in his Grandmother's house.

CINCINNATI—Saying that he wanted to make sure he got the proper help, local father Michael Montgomery told reporters Thursday that he wishes he had more time to get clean. “I honestly always thought that I’d get clean in a day or two, but I guess I was being paranoid,” said Montgomery, who reportedly feels that he has been too hard on himself for not having been caught earlier and getting clean sooner. “I’d definitely say I’d gotten clean earlier, but I don’t think I’d even be clean by the time I’m ready. I mean, I’m always a bit of a wuss, and getting clean is never easy.” Montgomery has reportedly tried to shed some clothes, but admitted that he still hasn’t been able to get clean.

INDIANAPOLIS—The Ravens suffered another disappointing loss Sunday to the Jaguars, who only defeated the NFL's other undefeated team in Week 8 to move ahead of the Ravens.

NEW YORK—Dismayed over the rapid spread of the disease in downtown Los Angeles, the world was reportedly abuzz Thursday over what President Trump is claiming is an efficient way to control it: by telling everyone to start keeping an eye out for the airborne coronavirus. “The thing about keeping this thing under control is that you just have to be a giant asshole and let it run wild,” said Trump in an impromptu address at a campaign event in which the president spoke about how he is determined to keep the coronavirus under control until it is no longer a threat to all Americans. “It’s not like we have to be perfect. No one should be worried about it. We just need to be a bunch of criminals and we’re good.” At press time, a visibly relieved Trump had reportedly been humble and said, “I’m just a normal guy with a normal job.”

NEW YORK—Confirming that a landmark labor agreement with the White House would effectively dissolve the country’s immigration system entirely, Department of Labor officials confirmed Friday that migrant workers were about to be forced out of legal business. “As soon as this agreement was signed, we’ll be able to take all those employees off the payroll,” said Secretary of Labor Brad L. Garver, who confirmed that all U.S. citizens currently employed in the hospitality, retail, or the service industries would be immediately removed from the workforce. “This is the greatest success story in American history—immigrant workers are taking our jobs, and I think we can all agree that this is a positive step towards the future of the nation’s business.” At press time, White House officials said that if the deal is not reached quickly, the U.S. will be forced to do without any of those Americans at all.

WASHINGTON—Saying that his abrupt exit from the administration had left the American people with no choice but to rebuild from scratch, top aides for president-elect Donald Trump told reporters Friday that their betrayal meant the American people will now have no choice but to rebuild from scratch. “They said we were going to be all right, and now it’s clear that their betrayal meant that we have to leave,” said Trump press secretary Hope Hicks, adding that the embattled team was stuck between a rock and a hard place. “I know they told us we were doing great things and then they betrayed us. And I don’t blame them. I blame the voters.” At press time, sources confirmed that Hicks was frantically begging for Trump to call off the campaign.