NEW YORK—In a landmark victory for the New York governor, New York's highest court announced Tuesday that the state's highest arrest rate will be reduced to 2 per 100,000. "This measure will make New York the only state in the nation that doesn't guarantee a fair trial for its inmates," said New York Supreme Court Justice Theodore D. Jarvis, who also ruled that the state's prison population will be cut in half, and that any prisoners currently incarcerated will be released in the next few weeks. "The idea that New York's prisons are inhumane and degrading is a myth." The court was forced to order the state to pay $100,000 to the ACLU and $25,000 to the Muckrock Prison Fellowship, which teaches prison abolitionists how to live free in a community.

WHITE HOUSE—After President Bush spoke to a packed house on the National Mall, White House Press Secretary Raj Shah was forced to pass through a crowd of reporters, reporters from The Washington Post, and a White House chef to attend a press conference just outside the Capitol Building.

NEW YORK—In the wake of a botched re-release of the final installment of the Matrix trilogy, sources confirmed Friday that the film adaptation of the seminal science fiction film The Matrix quickly resolves into “The Wall.” “After a brief intermission about the protagonist regaining control over their consciousness, the final act of the film is taken up by a sequence in which the end credits roll and an image of ‘The Matrix’ appears in the bottom-right corner of the screen,” said film critic Peter K. Rosenthal, explaining that the final scene in which the credits roll and the image of The Matrix appears in the bottom-left corner of the screen is “the most intense part of the entire final act” and “completely different than the final act in which the credits roll and the image of ‘The Matrix’ appears in the bottom-right corner of the screen.” “The last act is also the most emotionally moving part of the entire movie. It’s as if the entire movie is a huge emotional rollercoaster, before the credits roll, the screen fades to black, and then the credits roll again.” Rosenthal went on to observe that the final credits roll in reverse as the credits of ‘The Matrix’ begin.

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of a major setback in his professional life, local man Adam AbBek reportedly told reporters Wednesday that you should have known it would be two weeks before he could get the whole thing back. “I know it’s a big deal right now, but you should have expected me to get this thing back at least a week before I could even get my life back together,” said the man who is thus far the sole survivor of a profound and utterly inescapable personal loss. “I know you’re a busy guy and I’m always looking for that next job, but I’m just so relieved to finally be on my feet again that it’s tough. I’m just really thankful for how well things are going right now.” At press time, AbBek was looking forward to the day when he could finally put an end to the pain of being a single man in his life.

NEW YORK—In an effort to combat the growing popularity of sneakers that feature a large hole in the front, Nike reportedly unveiled a new line of sneakers Friday that feature holes in the front. “We’re pleased to introduce our new line of high-quality, ground-breaking, and cutting-edge sneakers for people who don’t like wearing sneakers,” said Nike CEO Mark Parker at the unveiling of a pair of orange, gray, and black cleats, which feature a small opening in the back to allow the wearer to wear a pair of shoes that are much smaller than those in their closet. “The new design is a perfect complement to our new line of classic black and white sneakers that feature a large hole in the front of the shoe, which are ideal for people who simply enjoy wearing sneakers.” Parker also revealed that the Nike KD 8 "Sneaker Snake" is the first model to feature a different color for the heel.

One of the great things about watching the new Broadchurch movie is that I get to watch a couple of other movies, too. It can be exhausting watching so many people talking about the movie, and I’m not sure I’m ready for all of that. The latest on the film is that it’s now the focal point of a major national conversation about the reason why so many people think that it’s racist.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Noting that the following month’s film features a major character from the animated classic, Disney introduced the new “Frozen” film series Thursday, a brand-new animated feature that will be released on the same day as the live-action Beauty and the Beast sequel. “We’re so excited to finally be releasing a new ‘Frozen’ film series, one that features the iconic characters from the 1989 classic,” said Disney president Robert Iger of the creative team’s decision to adapt the film franchise’s iconic opening scene by animating a scene in which the characters’ dress and accessories are revealed and their outfits are upgraded to include more of a more traditional Scandinavian look. “We’re excited to explore the backstory of the princesses and their journey to the land of the living frozen, telling a story that will appeal to fans of the original. We’re also introducing a completely new character, Kristoff, who joined the party after the events of the first film, and is the first of his kind to have a family of his own.” Iger added that new footage of the film’s epic battle sequence will also make its premiere at the 2018 Toronto International Film Festival.

WASHINGTON—In a study published Tuesday by the University of Virginia, researchers at the University of Washington determined that the United States has the most uncomfortable, unfathomable government in the world.

The American Physical Society has released a report saying that the rise in global average temperatures is responsible for more heat being trapped in the globe’s tropical and subtropical regions.

WASHINGTON—Touting the situation as a “major success” for the local 36-year-old, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Andrew Parrish, who has been doing this for years had never been that kind of guy.