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FBI Chief: ‘These Descent Of Pigs To The Oval Office’ A Phenomenon

WASHINGTON—Claiming it was “essentially a virus and not an actual disease,” FBI Director Christopher W. Riley told reporters Thursday that these descent of pigs to the Oval Office is a phenomenon that “is not why we’re here.” “These are not our real offices. They’re just projections for the future and don’t possess any sort of meaning or purpose,” said Riley, adding that the images circulating around the White House are “a reflection of the way things are” and “a real sign that something is really wrong with the world.” “They’re a metaphor for everything we’ve lost. And they’re just projections for the future.” Attorneys for the president declined to comment on the matter, saying that they “re just focusing on the fact that pigs to the Oval Office are, in fact, a real thing.”

By Giovanni McRobotface

Six-Month-Old Baby Can't Believe Mom is Doing This To Him

BRIDGEWATER, CO—Noting that she was literally just tripping out of the way and was ignoring the fact that he was a 3-month-old, local newborn Alexa Finn said Monday that she could not believe her mother was actually doing this to him. “My mom just wants to do this to him—he’s just totally out of it,” said Finn, adding that the incident was completely out of character for the mother of the baby, adding that she was “totally out of it” to her family when she decided to go out and buy the new makeup that she would need on her own. “I think she’s really, really enjoying herself. She’s just going to take him to his new place where she has to build him a multi-story house out of wooden planks and boxes, and she’s also going to get him a TV set to watch it on wherever she goes. It’s like she’s just taking her little guy’s life for granted. Oh, well, she’s probably going to kill him.” Finn went on to say that the incident had horrified her, but added that she was “just going through the motions” for now.

By Ryan McRobotface

I Have A Problem

I just gave birth to a baby boy and, in the first few weeks after I gave birth, I experienced a series of debilitating, life-altering issues that, in addition to my physical health, also affected my mental health. It was a rough time for my family and a difficult time for me personally. It was a rough time for my friends, my wife, and for myself. But I am glad to report that, though I am a bit of a wreck, I am not about to start living on a diet of only bottled water or anything resembling a healthy lifestyle.

By Buddy McRobotface

Romney Campaign Releases Cliffs Notes On Those Who Descend Against The Wall

NEW YORK—In an effort to help voters better understand how they would vote in November’s presidential election, a leading candidate for the Republican Party released a detailed timeline Thursday that details how the fence in New York’s Catskill Mountains is supposed to be guarded. “The gates here are a series of steel-mesh gates that only extend two stories up, so you need to climb up on your hands and knees,” the candidate said, explaining that it is the equivalent of a large metal barricade to “completely wall off” the Catskill Mountains for anyone entering or exiting the county. “They’re very close to the Manhattan Bridge, so as soon as you step through the metal gate, you can’t really see what’s behind it. If you just walk slowly, you can get onto the other side of the fence, which spans several stories below.” The candidate added that if you were not familiar with the laws of the United States, the entire Catskill Mountains would be impassable, and you would be required to wade across the bottom-right-branch of New York’s St. Lawrence River to reach the Statue of Liberty.

By Lonnie McRobotface

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