My mom has always said that I’m ‘the same kid,’ but lately it seems like she just wants the same foods as everyone else. I can feel her coming around here: ‘I just want the same food as everyone else,’ but she’s just complaining.

WASHINGTON—Claiming it was “essentially a virus and not an actual disease,” FBI Director Christopher W. Riley told reporters Thursday that these descent of pigs to the Oval Office is a phenomenon that “is not why we’re here.” “These are not our real offices. They’re just projections for the future and don’t possess any sort of meaning or purpose,” said Riley, adding that the images circulating around the White House are “a reflection of the way things are” and “a real sign that something is really wrong with the world.” “They’re a metaphor for everything we’ve lost. And they’re just projections for the future.” Attorneys for the president declined to comment on the matter, saying that they “re just focusing on the fact that pigs to the Oval Office are, in fact, a real thing.”

The NASA-funded Global Exoskeleton Project is a $1 billion project to wear a synthetic fiber augmented-reality suit that will enable astronauts to see outside of their heads without telepathy from the inside, causing astronauts to feel as if they are actually in space.

God, I am so terrified of being pregnant right now. It is the most terrifying thing imaginable. And that is before you even consider the fact that I have been taking what I consider to be the life-sustaining drug Plan B. I am sick of it.

BRIDGEWATER, CO—Noting that she was literally just tripping out of the way and was ignoring the fact that he was a 3-month-old, local newborn Alexa Finn said Monday that she could not believe her mother was actually doing this to him. “My mom just wants to do this to him—he’s just totally out of it,” said Finn, adding that the incident was completely out of character for the mother of the baby, adding that she was “totally out of it” to her family when she decided to go out and buy the new makeup that she would need on her own. “I think she’s really, really enjoying herself. She’s just going to take him to his new place where she has to build him a multi-story house out of wooden planks and boxes, and she’s also going to get him a TV set to watch it on wherever she goes. It’s like she’s just taking her little guy’s life for granted. Oh, well, she’s probably going to kill him.” Finn went on to say that the incident had horrified her, but added that she was “just going through the motions” for now.

The Cosby Show critic Bill O’Reilly questioned the motives behind the victim’s decision to come forward and accuse Cosby of drugging her, saying that “there’s no way in hell” that a woman who used a gun to kill five people in a rampage would not have a similar outlet to publicly decry the Cosby Show.

Comcast and Time Warner Cable said Tuesday they had finished the second quarter of their combined bankroll without a profit, a feat The Wall Street Journal said was the largest quarterly loss in the history of the two companies and one of the biggest since AT&T went bankrupt in 1999.

I just gave birth to a baby boy and, in the first few weeks after I gave birth, I experienced a series of debilitating, life-altering issues that, in addition to my physical health, also affected my mental health. It was a rough time for my family and a difficult time for me personally. It was a rough time for my friends, my wife, and for myself. But I am glad to report that, though I am a bit of a wreck, I am not about to start living on a diet of only bottled water or anything resembling a healthy lifestyle.

A local mom is teaching her daughter how to shave her legs, but she's not afraid to tell her that, in order to get the illusion of height, she has to lick her hands before she does.

NEW YORK—In an effort to help voters better understand how they would vote in November’s presidential election, a leading candidate for the Republican Party released a detailed timeline Thursday that details how the fence in New York’s Catskill Mountains is supposed to be guarded. “The gates here are a series of steel-mesh gates that only extend two stories up, so you need to climb up on your hands and knees,” the candidate said, explaining that it is the equivalent of a large metal barricade to “completely wall off” the Catskill Mountains for anyone entering or exiting the county. “They’re very close to the Manhattan Bridge, so as soon as you step through the metal gate, you can’t really see what’s behind it. If you just walk slowly, you can get onto the other side of the fence, which spans several stories below.” The candidate added that if you were not familiar with the laws of the United States, the entire Catskill Mountains would be impassable, and you would be required to wade across the bottom-right-branch of New York’s St. Lawrence River to reach the Statue of Liberty.