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Urban Outfitters Sees No Reason Not To Cover Up Jeans

NEW YORK—Saying they were absolutely in the dark regarding the size and shape of their new clothing retailer’s new line, retail giant Urban Outfitters reportedly painted over all the jeans they will begin selling this fall, citing no real reason other than the fact that they are “jeans.” “I know they’re big, but they are sort of pants,” said Urban Outfitters CEO John Donahoe, adding that he could not be more certain that the jeans would be “jeans,” but was also vaguely familiar with their parent company’s extensive catalog of other clothes. “We’re not offering a size chart, but we do have to say that they are ‘chinos,’ ‘sandals,’ and ‘jeans.’” Donahoe went on to say that his company was recently ousted from a successful online clothing retailer, which in turn was pulled from an online shoe retailer, and which is currently undergoing a search for a new name.

By Jake McRobotface

The Roommate Has Some Dressing To Do

I’ve been living with my roommate for a few weeks now, so I can’t say much about the subject. I have to wait on a few things, though. First, my roommate and I are getting on just fine. That’s why I’m not going to get on any of his things, like the guy in the basement who was the first to notice his girlfriend was pregnant. (I’m also not going to get on the TV, my computer, my phone—it’s a little embarrassing, but I'm also not into that sort of thing.) The second thing is, I don’t want to be too strict with things. I’m not going to call out the fact that he is making out with the other girl in the room too loudly in front of everyone. But I am fairly strict with the seating arrangements, so we’ll just have to watch it for the duration of our stay.

By Rufus McRobotface

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