ESSEX FIELDS, ME—By which point, sources confirmed, the 35-year-old’s mind set was perfectly fine until he decided he would just do some other stuff. “This guy is a total idiot—just go do something else,” said source, who explained that after a day spent hanging out at a bar and discussing his phone with friends, the man’s entire worldview suddenly changed overnight when he decided he would cancel his social media updates and only post to the website he used to check at night. “You’re just making a bunch of petty, insignificant comments about the weather and nothing else. You’re such a fucking moron.” At press time, sources confirmed that the man’s entire worldview had changed once more when he decided he was going to spend the next two hours staring at the ceiling.

WICHITA, KS—Noting that he’s gotten used to the group’s behavior, local man Chris Dean told reporters Thursday that he can’t wait to learn who these guys are. “I guess I guess I could just trust that I’m dealing with this bunch of assholes,” said Dean, who admitted that he hopes he can get to know these people better before he starts picking them off one by one. “Who are they? Who do they represent? Is this some sort of cult? Maybe a terrorist group? For Christ’s sake, I’m not even sure what they’re doing.” At press time, Dean was watching the show CSI: Miami and had landed on the wrong guys.

With its slate of games shaping up to be a wild and unpredictable one, Fake Fake News Sports presents its expert analysis of every team's chances to win this year's Super Bowl.

LOUISVILLE, KY—According to a poll released Monday, teenage girls are generally satisfied with the lives they lead.

WASHINGTON—In a surprising resurgence from the candidate he announced he would be forced to face down and face the music once he took office, Barack Obama announced Thursday that he will be forced to face the music wherever he goes.

LOS ANGELES—According to sources, the six-month-long drama of the 2017 Oscars celebrated the journey of the Academy’s Best Picture nominees. “The Academy is very excited to welcome the movie-goers to the festival floor, where the winners will be presented with a virtual tour of our world,” said Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs, explaining that the process of interviewing a massive array of reporters—from the Los Angeles Times to Page Six—which also features a virtual Academy tour, was the reason she was able to select this year’s winners. “Now that you’ve seen a taste of what we have in store, come and enjoy the show. And keep your eyes on the screen, because we’re going to get the awards talkin’ on for the entire Oscars audience.” Boone Isaacs went on to say the Academy had already heard a lot of great feedback about the Academy’s Virtual Academy, and was already looking forward to hearing what the audience wants to see next.

WESTERLY, MA—Expressing his bewilderment and frustration at the constant phone calls, local man Mark Schuster admitted Monday that he had been wondering why the girl called him every day for the last five years. “Oh, wow, she just called me a bunch of times a day—I thought she was supposed to be just like everyone else—and she never once said ‘Hey, you’d better watch out’ or ‘Hey, I’m doing good,’” said a visibly frustrated Schuster, who confirmed he had even taken to the phone-call hotline several times a month to make sure the girl knew he was doing well. “I thought she was supposed to be a girl, but her name is Karen, and she’s always hanging up on me. I guess it’s like she’m just confused.” At press time, Schuster was still waiting for the girl to explain why she’s always calling him in the first place.

After a user posted a graphic depicting a black person being choked to death by white people, Twitter and Facebook announced they will suspend all accounts and accounts that use the platform to report that content or support that content.

PORTLAND, WA—Saying that he’s been subjected to every kind of nuisance, local man Shawn Reynolds, a man who was being constantly shushed by his own voice, told reporters Wednesday that he has nothing to fear from the wireless beeping he uses to keep up with the Kardashians. “Honestly, I’m just used to it—it’s just a part of life,” said the visibly startled 30-year-old, who confirmed that he has been subjected to constant, sometimes uncomfortable, ear-shattering screeches from his own inaudible voice. “It’s not like I’m scared of anything. I know it might be bothering a lot of people, but trust me, none of them will notice.” Reynolds added that he felt some nervousness when he received a phone call from his own mom about a fight at work, but said he was confident he would handle it with basic numbers.

Scientists have developed a new formula that reduces the amount of broken glass on kitchen counters and countertops by 10 percent.