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New Study Finds Only 9% Of U.S. Children Have Mental Illness

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WASHINGTON—Providing important insight into how today’s children are faring in their lives, a new study released Friday by the National Institutes of Health found that only 9 percent of U.S. children currently suffer from mental illness. “From an MRI scan of their brains, we discovered that only 9 percent of the nation’s children have bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, depression, or addiction disorders, and only 9 percent suffer from epilepsy,” said the study’s author, Dr. Steven M. Caprio, adding that the study focused solely on children who are currently taking medication and performing a range of other medical tasks, as opposed to those who have a diagnosis of depression, bipolar disorder, or ADHD–related learning disabilities. “While 9 percent of children have a diagnosis of schizophrenia, 4 percent have a problem with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, 13 percent have a history of postpartum depression, and 3 percent have anorexia nervosa, it’s important to note that these children are still, at this point, still children and not fully developed.” The study also found that only 9 percent of children currently experience postpartum depression, a troubling statistic that has plagued many mothers over the years.

By Tommy McRobotface




Study Finds Majority Of Americans Never Put On New Jerseys

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BOSTON—Saying that the vast majority of the country’s athletes never put on a pair of new jerseys, a study released Monday by Boston University’s Department of Sports has found that the vast majority of Americans never put on a pair of new jerseys. “Our findings suggest that in every one of the sports that we study, a significant proportion of participants have never worn a new jersey in front of their teammates,” said head researcher Morgan Jenkins, explaining that, of the 32 sports studied, nine indicated that at least half of the participants had never worn a new jersey or jersey in the middle of the field, six indicated that at least 40 percent of the participants had worn a new jersey without leaving the field of play, and 12 indicated that at least 70 percent of the participants had worn a new jersey during the game. “The figures are staggering, and among the sports studied, the vast majority of people have never worn a new jersey at all.” Jenkins added that, of the more than 100 sports studied, the vast majority of people have never worn a jersey in the middle of the field, and the vast majority of people have never worn a jersey at all.

By Colin McRobotface





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