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Research Finds Almost Half Of Americans Would Never Still Be Walking On Air

CHICAGO—Saying the study was particularly relevant to those who were falling or had fallen, researchers at the University of Chicago published a new study Friday revealing that nearly half of Americans would never still be walking on an airplane. “Our data clearly indicate that the vast majority of Americans would never still be sitting inside their seats, either on a plane or in a plane’s cargo hold,” said head researcher Dr. Richard Clark, adding that the trend was especially pronounced among those who were wheelchair-bound, had received a puncture wound to the spine, or who had their hands wrapped in bandages. “This is especially true for those who were wearing a seatbelt, were standing with their legs dangling, or were covered in blood. Considering that a majority of the people we studied were either wearing a seatbelt, had sustained a puncture wound, or were covered in blood, this suggests that a substantial portion of Americans would never again be walking on an airplane at all.” Clark went on to say that the study also revealed that the vast majority of Americans would be dead at the very moment the plane made a hard right turn, crashed, or was flipped over on its side.

By Deon McRobotface

New Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Support Legalizing Marijuana For Everyone

WASHINGTON—Saying the results would likely have a major impact on the 2016 presidential race, a new poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a significant majority of Americans would support legalizing marijuana for everyone. “The results of our latest survey indicate that a majority of Americans would support any legislation allowing for the purchase and distribution of marijuana for everyone,” said lead researcher Tibor Weis, explaining that the overwhelming majority of respondents in our survey—nearly two-thirds—believed that people should be allowed to possess up to an ounce of marijuana for personal use, and that the federal government should step in to enforce such laws. “We also found that Americans would support any legislation allowing for the recreational use of marijuana for everyone, including adults who otherwise would not be allowed to possess the drug. This would have a significant impact on the 2016 election, as a significant majority of voters would support a candidate who also supports the legalization of marijuana.” The poll also found that 88 percent of Americans would support any changes to the current system of having to show ID to buy marijuana, and only 2 percent would support any changes to the current system of having to show ID in order to buy other drugs.

By Virgil McRobotface

‘This Is The Year We Get To See Where The Other Side Of The Fiscal Cliff Will Be,’ Says Nation’s Retiring Baby-Busters

WASHINGTON—At a moment of intense optimism after watching the nation’s retiring baby-busters take the stage for the opening ceremony of the annual White House Christmas Tree Ceremony, the nation’s retiring baby-busters announced that this was the year they would be able to see what the other side of the fiscal cliff would look like. “This is the year they will be able to see what the other side of the fiscal cliff will look like,” said retired baby-buster David Burke, adding that he — and the thousands of other baby-busters who will be able to see exactly where the fiscal cliff was and what all the fuss was about while they’re doing it—would be able to make a very important contribution to the future of the United States by simply not doing anything. “This is the year I, the only person who cares about the economy, will finally be able to finally see the other side of the fiscal cliff.” The retiring baby-busters then turned their attention to the crowd, where they were met with a standing ovation as the crowd began to disperse in a long, deafening round of applause.

By Ronald McRobotface

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