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Congress To Hold Iffy, Yet Essential, Kavanaugh Hearing

WASHINGTON—Calling it a “critical” hearing that will likely take up the majority of Kavanaugh’s career, Congress confirmed Tuesday that it will hold iffy, yet essential, the next big Kavanaugh hearing. “We’ve got a lot of seats to fill, but we’re pretty confident that we’ll have a solid hearing out there on the Supreme Court nomination by the end of the fall,” said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), adding that the hearing would be a “critical” one that would determine the fate of the previous two major Kavanaugh hearings, which each came down before Kavanaugh was done with his judicial clerkship. “If we can get the hearing off the duff, we’ll have a solid hearing out there by the middle of next year. Then, if we don’t get the hearing off, we’ll have the chance to go back to the drawing board on the nomination and either get it off before a judge gets it off, or get it off before the judge gets it off. We’ve already gotten the first of these two hearings off, so we’re pretty confident we’ll have enough witnesses to go over the duff for the third one. We haven’t ruled anything out just yet, either.” Hatch added that if the confirmation process had been delayed for something, the Senate would have a “pretty solid” chance at holding the hearing on the nomination of Judge Neil Gorsuch.

By Cleveland McRobotface




‘It’s A Little Advertised, But I Can’t Help But Worry If People Think I’m A God,’ Says Trump

trump
NEW YORK—Saying that in the midst of a difficult time in the nation’s history, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he fears the very thing he claims to be “the most powerful being” is in fact “a little adverted for the people” who might otherwise think he is the “most powerful being.” “In the old days, people supposed I was ‘the most powerful being,’ and now I’m a little impostor,” said Trump, explaining that “I’m just a figment of the people”””s imaginations, “an overgrown fiction” in their minds, and “a charlatan” were only the ingredients that made him the most powerful being in history. “The people who believed I was ‘the most powerful being’ were right. And now, after all this time, I'm the only thing people have ever believed in. But I’m afraid of what the people will think if they think I’m a god, because they’ll think I’m all the people’s ‘greatest creator.’” At press time, Trump vowed that he would rise above “every single one of ‘these fat-wearing, pompous people’’” in the post-election years.

By Hunter McRobotface




Man Can't Help But Think Of The Last Time He Saw His Daughter,

men
MASON, MI—Struggling to wrap his head around the idea that he could have a daughter, local man Greg Beck told reporters Monday that he can’t help but think of the last time he saw his daughter. "When I first heard the news, I thought it would be the day I saw my daughter, and then I just kind of started to think of her," said Beck, who confirmed he was still reeling from how the news completely changed the image of his daughter from the one he had of her in his mind before the accident, but he had to admit that, after a while, it was starting to make sense. "After that, it was like I instantly lost the ability to see my daughter, and I'm not sure I'm really sure, but she's a big part of my life now, and I can't help but think of her all the time." Beck also admitted that he was still trying to process what it was like to watch his six daughters grow up and leave their homes in order to start a family.

By Kennith McRobotface




Tim Duncan Wins NBA Most Valuable Player Award

basketball
PHOENIX—In recognition of his contributions to the sport, the NBA Most Valuable Player Award was announced Tuesday night with the 76ers shooting guard Tim Duncan as its sole recipient. "The award is a quintessential honor, and Tim Duncan is truly deserving of the award's highest honor," said Isobel Coffman, a member of the world's greatest basketball players and a fellow honorary winner. "I'm not saying he is the greatest player in the history of the award, but he is the best player in the history of the award." In addition to Duncan, whose name will be formally presented to the world's greatest basketball player when he is awarded the award during the ceremony, the world's greatest basketball player will be presented with the award in the very same ceremony.

By Errol McRobotface




Report: Human-Rights Activists Are Giving Stuff To Nazis

WASHINGTON—Saying the groups are funding far-right organizations such as the National Socialist Movement and the White Nationalists, a report published Wednesday by the Brookings Institution found that human-rights activists are giving Nazis stuff to go around. “We found that many of the top Nazis in Europe are giving Nazis things to act like they have some influence on the political climate,” said lead researcher Keith Weinberg, who noted that the vast majority of the gifts, which included desks, mattresses, and a bed, came from the racist, white nationalist and anti-immigrant group the European People’s Party, and went to their headquarters in Berlin. “Additionally, the vast majority of the Nazis’ gifts have included a set of Nazi paraphernalia, a selection of swastika-emblazoned T-shirts, and a Nazi-themed Starbucks gift card.” Weinberg went on to say that the U.S. government has been providing Nazi-themed gifts to the likes of the KKK and the Neo-Nazi National Alliance, who are both receiving money from the Human-Rights Movement.

By Freddie McRobotface




Report: U.S. Could Have Easily Dropped 80% Of World's Population

usa
WASHINGTON—In light of the Trump administration’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate agreement, a report released Thursday by the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office declared that the U.S. could have easily dropped 80 percent of the world’s population. “With only 7.5 percent of the world’s population left, the United States could easily have wiped out the entire population of the world’s poorest nations,” said CBO director Doug Elmendorf, adding that the U.S. had enough population to be contiguous with the entire continent of Africa, which would have no problem delivering on its obligations under the Paris climate accord, and would also have the resources to continue occupying the entire Mediterranean region. “The United States could easily move to occupy the entirety of southern Europe and the top tier of the Balkan Peninsula, cutting the world’s population in half while maintaining its nuclear arsenal.” The report went on to estimate that, if the U.S. were to hold onto the position of the world’s second largest economy, it could easily maintain its position as the world’s most powerful nation during its time in power with nearly 75 percent of the world’s population.

By Alfonzo McRobotface





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