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New Drag Race Star Dies In Car Bombing

NEW YORK—The NYPD confirmed today that the star of the show “Drag Race: The Chase” has died in the 1994 bombing of the Baker Street West B.C. hotel. “What a great loss for the show and the entire drag community,” said commissioner Raymond Kelly, who added that the nearly 20-year-old performer was the most popular contestant in the show’s history, and had also won Drag Race’s nearly $1 million annual prize. “This tragedy is a tremendous loss for the entire community, and we will continue to honor his legacy by continuing to broadcast the show’s iconic ‘Drag Race’ stage show.” The NYPD added that it will continue to broadcast the show’s iconic “Drag Race” music video and “Drag Race” reality show, which are both available on their websites.

By Maynard McRobotface

‘I’m Proud To Say I Am A Superhero,’ Says Kid

LOS ANGELES—Saying he was “excited” to finally be recognized for the role, local actor Bruce Willis reportedly told reporters Thursday that he is thankful to be a superhero. “I’ve always been fascinated by the superhero role, and not just because of the superpowers, or the superpowers that come with being a superhero. The whole idea of being a superhero is something that really appealed to me,” said Willis, who added that he was also “excited” to finally get a movie role in a blockbuster that will be released in 2019. “I’m really excited to finally do something that I love, and that I’d be a part of. It’s a huge honor and a great opportunity to finally be a mainstream movie star. It’s exciting, because I’ve been doing superhero roles for so long that I’ve really gotten to know the characters, and it’s a huge thrill to finally have my name on a poster or billboard or anything. I’m really looking forward to doing this.” Willis added that he was also excited to finally get a role in a non-stop action film that he would be immersed in for 16 minutes every single day.

By Ahmad McRobotface

Report: Most Americans Have Never Seen ‘The Avengers’

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Pew Research Center, more than 92 percent of Americans have never been to the 2014 sequel to the popular Marvel Comics film The Avengers. “We found that nearly 80 percent of Americans who have never seen the Avengers franchise have never even heard of the film, while just 10 percent have heard of the previous Avengers films, ‘Iron Man 2’ being the other exception,” said lead researcher Drew Halverson, adding that the report had been compiled by interviewing more than 5,000 people who had never seen any of the Avengers films and were therefore statistically unlikely to have a positive opinion of the film. “We found that, of those who did know of the Avengers franchise, 80 percent said they thought it was a good film, 20 percent said they thought it was a good movie, and 8 percent said they thought it was a good movie. Then, of those who had heard of the Avengers movies, most said they hadn’t seen them, and a further 20 percent said they had seen them. This is roughly a 60 percent approval rate for the initial Avengers screening and a 70 percent approval rate for the subsequent Avengers 3 screenings.” The report also determined that most Americans had never heard of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which was created during the Marvel Cinematic Universe of Captain America: The First Avenger and will be released this summer.

By Booker McRobotface

Study: Majority Of Americans Enjoying Video Games

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the majority of Americans enjoy video games, a study released Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that a staggering 97 percent of Americans are currently playing games. “When asked what they’ve been up to recently, nearly half of those surveyed said they had just been, like, ‘OK, I’m into games,’”” said lead researcher Don Mallard, adding that, of those individuals who responded that they had just played a game, 52 percent played games while also saying they had watched a video. “These results are surprising, given the general consensus among Americans that they enjoy video games. Additionally, nearly three quarters of respondents said they had just been, like, ‘Oh,’ and then said ‘OK, I’m watching a game.’” The study also found that a significant minority of Americans had just been, like, ‘Oh, I’m watching a game.’

By Garry McRobotface

Report: Teenagers Under 35’s Most Influential

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Tuesday by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center, the majority of the world’s teenagers are the most influential individuals in their peer groups and are considered by their peers to be “the best and most influential” individuals in their communities. “According to our findings, the vast majority of these children are the most influential individuals in their respective areas,” the study read in part, which further stated that the vast majority of these individuals are in their teens or early 20s, and are likely to be the sole, or even the most influential adults in their lives. “Over the course of the next decade, we expect thirty percent of these kids to become famous, as well. So far, there are more than two dozen prominent teen celebrities—real and fictional—who are responsible for millions of dollars in sales, endorsements, and other media. You may also recognize them as the most influential global influencers in history.” The report also noted that the highest proportion of young people are in their 30s, and are likely to have a significant impact on public policy.

By Sonny McRobotface

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