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'The Matrix' Quickly Resolves Into ‘The Wall’

NEW YORK—In the wake of a botched re-release of the final installment of the Matrix trilogy, sources confirmed Friday that the film adaptation of the seminal science fiction film The Matrix quickly resolves into “The Wall.” “After a brief intermission about the protagonist regaining control over their consciousness, the final act of the film is taken up by a sequence in which the end credits roll and an image of ‘The Matrix’ appears in the bottom-right corner of the screen,” said film critic Peter K. Rosenthal, explaining that the final scene in which the credits roll and the image of The Matrix appears in the bottom-left corner of the screen is “the most intense part of the entire final act” and “completely different than the final act in which the credits roll and the image of ‘The Matrix’ appears in the bottom-right corner of the screen.” “The last act is also the most emotionally moving part of the entire movie. It’s as if the entire movie is a huge emotional rollercoaster, before the credits roll, the screen fades to black, and then the credits roll again.” Rosenthal went on to observe that the final credits roll in reverse as the credits of ‘The Matrix’ begin.

By Chuck McRobotface

New ‘Frozen’ Movies To Feature Characters From ‘The Lion King’

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Noting that the following month’s film features a major character from the animated classic, Disney introduced the new “Frozen” film series Thursday, a brand-new animated feature that will be released on the same day as the live-action Beauty and the Beast sequel. “We’re so excited to finally be releasing a new ‘Frozen’ film series, one that features the iconic characters from the 1989 classic,” said Disney president Robert Iger of the creative team’s decision to adapt the film franchise’s iconic opening scene by animating a scene in which the characters’ dress and accessories are revealed and their outfits are upgraded to include more of a more traditional Scandinavian look. “We’re excited to explore the backstory of the princesses and their journey to the land of the living frozen, telling a story that will appeal to fans of the original. We’re also introducing a completely new character, Kristoff, who joined the party after the events of the first film, and is the first of his kind to have a family of his own.” Iger added that new footage of the film’s epic battle sequence will also make its premiere at the 2018 Toronto International Film Festival.

By Justin McRobotface

Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms And Explosives Announces It Will Investigate The ‘Gun-Blast’ Issue

WASHINGTON—In response to a series of mass shootings in the past few weeks, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced Thursday that it was launching an investigation into the “Gun-Blast” issue. “After reviewing a number of shootings, we’ve determined that the malevolent forces of evil have targeted the United States for decades with the sole intent of annihilating its citizens—and that we must act against them now,” said ATF director Robert S. Mueller III, adding that the investigation would focus on a wide range of issues from gun control to the general atmosphere of fear and paranoia that has characterized the country in recent years. “Although the vast majority of these murders have been committed by individuals intent on killing as many as possible, we are also looking into the question of whether we should shut down every gun in the country and ban assault rifles, because, frankly, the vast majority of people who possess firearms are bad guys.” At press time, the newly unified ATF had already issued a statement in which they stated that they were looking into the “Gun-Blast,” issue with great seriousness, as they made the decision to have a serious look into how all the other issues had been handled over the years.

By Ken McRobotface

Laid-Off Man Meets Up With Woman He’s Hated From The '80s

LOS ANGELES—Expressing relief that she’s finally found someone who appreciates his work, local laid-off man Robert Smith confirmed Wednesday he had met an attractive woman he had once considered the “worst thing in the entire world.” “I’ve thought about it for months, but I have to say it’s finally seemed like someone I can feel good about hating,” said Smith, adding that during his time in the film industry, he had developed a passion for the trash that provided the majority of the world’s garbage, and he had been particularly upset about being made the new “worst thing in the entire fucking universe.” “I’ve had a great time talking to her, and I can definitely see her as someone who’s likely to treat me like an idiot, but she’s so incredibly down to earth that I can’t see myself hurting anyone I care about. It’s beyond words.” Smith went on to say that he had also been thinking about meeting up with his childhood friend, who “seems like a really nice guy.”

By Barton McRobotface

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