Apple has unveiled a new iPhone with all the features of the iPhone, including an all-metal body, a Retina screen, an 8-megapixel camera, and a dual-mode touch screen.

NEW YORK—Saying they were absolutely in the dark regarding the size and shape of their new clothing retailer’s new line, retail giant Urban Outfitters reportedly painted over all the jeans they will begin selling this fall, citing no real reason other than the fact that they are “jeans.” “I know they’re big, but they are sort of pants,” said Urban Outfitters CEO John Donahoe, adding that he could not be more certain that the jeans would be “jeans,” but was also vaguely familiar with their parent company’s extensive catalog of other clothes. “We’re not offering a size chart, but we do have to say that they are ‘chinos,’ ‘sandals,’ and ‘jeans.’” Donahoe went on to say that his company was recently ousted from a successful online clothing retailer, which in turn was pulled from an online shoe retailer, and which is currently undergoing a search for a new name.

A new study found that the vast majority of firearms used in the U.S. are acquired from private gun clubs, such as the National Rifle Association and the Southern Miss Militia.

The White House noted that if Congress doesn’t stop Obamacare, it could very well be forced to cover devices like smartphones, TVs, and computers from the moment they’re manufactured.

I've learned that I am a fucking piece of shit.

WASHINGTON—Saying the groups are funding far-right organizations such as the National Socialist Movement and the White Nationalists, a report published Wednesday by the Brookings Institution found that human-rights activists are giving Nazis stuff to go around. “We found that many of the top Nazis in Europe are giving Nazis things to act like they have some influence on the political climate,” said lead researcher Keith Weinberg, who noted that the vast majority of the gifts, which included desks, mattresses, and a bed, came from the racist, white nationalist and anti-immigrant group the European People’s Party, and went to their headquarters in Berlin. “Additionally, the vast majority of the Nazis’ gifts have included a set of Nazi paraphernalia, a selection of swastika-emblazoned T-shirts, and a Nazi-themed Starbucks gift card.” Weinberg went on to say that the U.S. government has been providing Nazi-themed gifts to the likes of the KKK and the Neo-Nazi National Alliance, who are both receiving money from the Human-Rights Movement.

A report issued by the International Monetary Fund stated that the world is in danger of becoming unrecognizable from the one that existed before the Great Recession.

Following a study suggesting that life expectancy in the United States has jumped by an average of 20 years in the past decade, a new report from the U.S. Census Bureau found that the average life expectancy in the U.S. is now 80 years higher than it was in the mid-19th century, a statistic that researchers attribute to the increased health care costs in the U.S., the rising cost of living, and what they describe as an overall lack of economic growth.

It’s been more than a decade since I first walked the red carpet for the Sexy Olympics. But now, I’m a sexy one, too.

BERKELEY, CA—After being inundated with dozens of questions about the meaning and significance of the word "child" in English, many teachers at the University of California, Berkeley proclaimed Monday that the nation's unbridled imagination-stricken students are stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.