The U.S. Congress has voted to remove all U.S. fencing from the border between Mexico and the United States.

NEW YORK—According to a new report published this morning by the New York Times, only one-third of Americans have ever heard of all the drugs.

I'm sure I could do some serious good in this town. But, I honestly do have some real big problems I have to fix first. In fact, I think I'll be even more of a drag on this parade than I already am. But maybe I just need a little help from some of my friends.

NEW YORK—Following the publication of a controversial article questioning the relationship between fame and success, the New York Times reminded its readers Tuesday that they are entitled to whatever they want. “So please, feel free to take a look around, and then come back to me and tell me what you think,” read an instruction in the over-the-top editorializing, acknowledging that the article was written in an arrogant, self-centered way and that it was shot with a triumphant smugness. “Keep in mind that we are all entitled to the attention and adulation that comes with being famous, and at this point in our lives, we don’t need to worry about being locked up in a cell for being so fucking rich.” At press time, the Times had added a note of advice for its readers, reminding them that they were entitled to everything they wanted.

Last month, the Pentagon announced that a new lawsuit will force military personnel to wear the Army uniform to work.

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the first bird bite in the United States this year, a Gallup poll released Monday revealed that two-thirds of women have come forward to quarantine the nation's women for the next 24 hours as a precautionary measure.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I was taken in by the allure of grad school. I'm concerned that some of my friends might be going through the same thing. I don't mean to be so judgmental, but sometimes I wonder what I thought I was doing when I accepted a full scholarship to Harvard. I don't know if I should blame my parents or the fact that some of my classmates were so talented that they were able to pull it off getting a university degree. I just don't think I was ready for that kind of attention.

According to a new report, one in four women has at least one job that they discovered while attending a workplace and is currently employed by a company that has no obvious business plan.

According to a press release from Starbucks, the coffee cup in which Native Americans drink their tea will be released on Nov. 15, called the Starbucks Native American Tea Cup.

And then there’s this: An elderly and adoring fan’s daughter is giving birth to a child who is going to be the single biggest asshole on the planet.