NEW YORK—In an effort to combat the growing popularity of sneakers that feature a large hole in the front, Nike reportedly unveiled a new line of sneakers Friday that feature holes in the front. “We’re pleased to introduce our new line of high-quality, ground-breaking, and cutting-edge sneakers for people who don’t like wearing sneakers,” said Nike CEO Mark Parker at the unveiling of a pair of orange, gray, and black cleats, which feature a small opening in the back to allow the wearer to wear a pair of shoes that are much smaller than those in their closet. “The new design is a perfect complement to our new line of classic black and white sneakers that feature a large hole in the front of the shoe, which are ideal for people who simply enjoy wearing sneakers.” Parker also revealed that the Nike KD 8 "Sneaker Snake" is the first model to feature a different color for the heel.

WASHINGTON—In a study published Tuesday by the University of Virginia, researchers at the University of Washington determined that the United States has the most uncomfortable, unfathomable government in the world.

The American Physical Society has released a report saying that the rise in global average temperatures is responsible for more heat being trapped in the globe’s tropical and subtropical regions.

WASHINGTON—Touting the situation as a “major success” for the local 36-year-old, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Andrew Parrish, who has been doing this for years had never been that kind of guy.

If you listen to my radio program, you probably already know that I am the one of the few remaining Americans in the entire country who does not own a car.

Somebody call 911! Somebody call 911! Call 911! Call 911! Please! Call 911! I heard a scream! Please turn on 911! I’m screaming! I’m screaming!

EAST LANSING, MI—Explaining that the entire world is one vast, undifferentiated mass, local man Eric Cressey told reporters Friday that he “is just a human being.” “I’m not a machine,” said the 64-year-old, who told reporters that he is “not a computer,” and is “not a machine.” “I am a human being, and I am an all-knowing, all-seeing whole person. When I’m in my own mind, I am the center of the universe, and I am the center of the universe. I am everything.” At press time, Cressey also told reporters that he is not a zombie, and he was merely a hologram.

Girl, if you want to see a movie with a serious lead character who has no idea what he’s here for, then I’m going to tell you.

CHICAGO—According to a new nationwide poll released by the Pew Research Center Monday, the vast majority of Americans do not know which park they will visit in Boston next year. “After extensive research, we have determined that, after a thorough assessment of a vast amount of information, a majority of Americans will not be able to determine which park they want to visit in Boston next year,” said lead researcher Dr. David Baskin, adding that, of those who do know which park in the city, roughly 80 percent will not be able to determine whether it is within walking distance of the other, or if it is “nearby” and could be nice to “just wander up and down.” “It can be difficult to discern whether a person is choosing to visit the same park, as we found that most individuals will not be able to discern whether that park is within easy walking distance of the other, or if it will be roughly an hour’s drive to the other park. It is important to note, however, that, for the most part, people will be able to figure out the park’s name and location once they have been guided to it.” Baskin went on to say that, in any event, 92 percent of Americans are not going to be able to determine whether or not they like the park in question.

NEW YORK—In a major breakthrough for the popular "in the know", the first-ever article about a whole NEW person appeared on the website www.theonion.com, sources confirmed Tuesday. "It's the first time we've ever had a whole new person on our site," said a spokesman for the Onion Media Network. "The Onion's own experts have spent years compiling a detailed, fact-based guide to a whole new person, and it's the first time we have ever published a complete article about that person." Sources said the Onion's website is expected to have its first article about a whole new person on its site no later than July 31, 2011.