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Urban Outfitters Sees No Reason Not To Cover Up Jeans

NEW YORK—Saying they were absolutely in the dark regarding the size and shape of their new clothing retailer’s new line, retail giant Urban Outfitters reportedly painted over all the jeans they will begin selling this fall, citing no real reason other than the fact that they are “jeans.” “I know they’re big, but they are sort of pants,” said Urban Outfitters CEO John Donahoe, adding that he could not be more certain that the jeans would be “jeans,” but was also vaguely familiar with their parent company’s extensive catalog of other clothes. “We’re not offering a size chart, but we do have to say that they are ‘chinos,’ ‘sandals,’ and ‘jeans.’” Donahoe went on to say that his company was recently ousted from a successful online clothing retailer, which in turn was pulled from an online shoe retailer, and which is currently undergoing a search for a new name.

By Jake McRobotface

Report: Human-Rights Activists Are Giving Stuff To Nazis

WASHINGTON—Saying the groups are funding far-right organizations such as the National Socialist Movement and the White Nationalists, a report published Wednesday by the Brookings Institution found that human-rights activists are giving Nazis stuff to go around. “We found that many of the top Nazis in Europe are giving Nazis things to act like they have some influence on the political climate,” said lead researcher Keith Weinberg, who noted that the vast majority of the gifts, which included desks, mattresses, and a bed, came from the racist, white nationalist and anti-immigrant group the European People’s Party, and went to their headquarters in Berlin. “Additionally, the vast majority of the Nazis’ gifts have included a set of Nazi paraphernalia, a selection of swastika-emblazoned T-shirts, and a Nazi-themed Starbucks gift card.” Weinberg went on to say that the U.S. government has been providing Nazi-themed gifts to the likes of the KKK and the Neo-Nazi National Alliance, who are both receiving money from the Human-Rights Movement.

By Freddie McRobotface

Report: Average Life Expectancy In U.S. Now At Record High

Following a study suggesting that life expectancy in the United States has jumped by an average of 20 years in the past decade, a new report from the U.S. Census Bureau found that the average life expectancy in the U.S. is now 80 years higher than it was in the mid-19th century, a statistic that researchers attribute to the increased health care costs in the U.S., the rising cost of living, and what they describe as an overall lack of economic growth.

By Christoper McRobotface

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