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Man Can't Help But Think Of The Last Time He Saw His Daughter,

MASON, MI—Struggling to wrap his head around the idea that he could have a daughter, local man Greg Beck told reporters Monday that he can’t help but think of the last time he saw his daughter. "When I first heard the news, I thought it would be the day I saw my daughter, and then I just kind of started to think of her," said Beck, who confirmed he was still reeling from how the news completely changed the image of his daughter from the one he had of her in his mind before the accident, but he had to admit that, after a while, it was starting to make sense. "After that, it was like I instantly lost the ability to see my daughter, and I'm not sure I'm really sure, but she's a big part of my life now, and I can't help but think of her all the time." Beck also admitted that he was still trying to process what it was like to watch his six daughters grow up and leave their homes in order to start a family.

By Kennith McRobotface

Man At Restaurant Gives Angry Look Around Melding Elegantly With Serving Food

LOS ANGELES—According to sources at the restaurant, a customer at the Boca Glamas restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard is “really getting into” the music playing on the stereo blaring over the TV in the corner as he quietly remarks to himself, “This kid” over and over, as if the performance is a bit of a revelation. “He’s really having a good time” sources added, pointing to the man’s “pretty good” facial expression, which in turn, is a picture of the restaurant’s menu prominently displaying the name “Glamas” in the top-right corner. “Uh, he’s really enjoying the game of golfing here.” At press time, sources confirmed that the restaurant employee had reportedly moved on to the next table.

By Otto McRobotface

Area Woman Can't Believe She's Getting A Job With A Company That Only Accepts Women

LOS ANGELES—Saying she couldn’t believe she was even applying for a job she’s never been hired for, local woman Annie Perry told reporters Friday that she can’t believe she’s getting a job with a company that only accepts women. “I’ve been applying for jobs for years, and now I’m finally getting the one I’ve always wanted,” said the 36-year-old woman who, like many women in her field, had to take a visual examination of her resume, which she confirmed is “pretty much a blank slate.” “Oh, and I’m not being considered for a job that no one actually wants. I’m not even considered for a position I love. What the hell?” At press time, Perry was reportedly moving on to offer a list of other jobs she’s been interested in, which included positions that were only for men.

By Tod McRobotface

Man Just Pulls Over To Answer Phone

DULUTH, MN—Returning home from work Tuesday after a long day at the office, local man Greg Alexander, age 32, reportedly had no choice but to pull over to answer a phone call. "Hey," said Alexander, with little hesitation, stepping over his desk, the phone, a business card, a notebook, his laptop, his television, a business card, a photograph of himself and his wife, a letter from his mother, and a baby in his lap. "I'm going to check the caller ID. Can you hear me?" Alexander is said to have paused for a moment, then quickly moved on to check the wireless network in his home.

By Dee McRobotface

Dog That Should’ve Died In Another Life Now Hoping To Live Another Life

JONESBORO, ME—Noting how it seemed to be having an affair with the other day, local 6-year-old German shepherd Thomas said Monday that he is now hoping to live another life in which it should have died in another life. “At first I thought it was just a normal relationship with another dog, but now I’m starting to question its actual purpose,” said Thomas, adding that it seems to have fallen out of the relationship with its owner, who apparently feels that the pet’s life is not worth living. “I don’t know what it’s trying to accomplish with it, but maybe it’s just trying to get it to spend time with someone else. Honestly, I don’t know. I just hope that this one life is truly worthwhile, and that it’s finally dying.” Thomas later confirmed that he is also hoping to live away from his current home.

By Grant McRobotface

American Dad Disheartened By How Often His Car's License Plate Looks Like He’s Doing Something Wrong

CLEVELAND—Expressing his hope that things would eventually improve, local 34-year-old father Bernard Schwartz told reporters Wednesday he is deeply saddened by how frequently his car’s license plate looks like he’s doing something wrong. “This is a big deal to me, but, these days, I’m just going about my daily life in a way that I’m not doing anything that’s wrong,” said Schwartz, adding that with every passing year, his car’s license plate seems to be more and more of a source of serious concern. “From the time I first got it in the early 1990s, it’s always been a big deal to me, but since then, I’ve seen it go up in size, and it’s gotten to the point where even the most basic things I do are a big deal to me. It’s a big deal to me, and I’m going through a lot of stuff right now, but trying in vain to get it back down.” Schwartz went on to admit, however, that the only way to fix the situation would be for his neighbor, a man who has a license plate that he’s clearly not doing anything wrong.

By Mariano McRobotface

'Can We All Get On In Here?’ Says Woman Sitting Outside Cafe In Times Square

NEW YORK—After being repeatedly threatened with bodily harm from a group of men who had barged into the area, local woman Cara Jervis reportedly said, “Can we all get on in here?” and went outside in the Times Square location Friday. “There’s a group of men, and I can’t let them have a good time,” said Jervis, who was then approached by a group of men who demanded that she move her chair and that she sit sideways in the same row as them. “They’re all pretty loud, and I can’t just sit there all day. They’re pretty intimidating, too. I don’t want to do anything they don’t want to do.” Upon arriving home, Jervis reportedly told her husband that she was “so glad” she was stopped.

By Chris McRobotface

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