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Man Has No Idea How Much Less Lucky He Is

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying that he does not know what he is missing out on, local man Craig Nesbitt reportedly has no idea how much less lucky he is. "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel these days," said Nesbitt, adding that he has not been this immensely fortunate in his entire life. "I just hope I don't die in such a way that no one remembers me as a person, or even as a person with a family." Nesbitt told reporters that he wants to make the most of the small chance, however small it is, that he might be born with a slender, frail frame.

By Rodrick McRobotface

Video Of Homeless Man Being Forced From Seat

ABERDEEN, ID—In a move meant to stem the spread of the plague, the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development announced Monday that it had disposed of all cases of homeless man being forced from a seat. “While we’ve only dealt with a handful of instances where a man who has no means of support has been forcibly ejected from a seat, we are confident that our next steps can significantly reduce the spread of this deadly disease,” said HUD secretary Ben Carson, who noted that the department had already dispatched hundreds of tons of cases of homeless man being forcibly removed from chairs and other similar objects, which should be dispatched at a lower rate than in the past. “We’ve already warned thousands of homeless men to get out of the way, but it’s too late. We’ll be meeting with homeless men and women in the coming months to give them the space they need to grow, build a life, and reintegrate into society.” Carson also added that the CDC would be supplying the homeless men and women with a communal toilet and a drinkable water source.

By Christoper McRobotface

Man Excited To See If It Still Possible To Get 3 Hours Of Sleep

NEW YORK—Expressing a strong desire to find out for himself just how much longer he can stay awake, local man Michael Pazder expressed a strong desire to see just how long his sleep remains possible for a third consecutive night, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ve been out of the house for almost an hour now, but I sure hope to be able to get an hour or two more of sleep before I go to bed,” said the 45-year-old after putting on his pajamas, squinting through his nose, and placing his head in his hands. “I’ll just try and get to bed at least nine hours to be safe.” At press time, Pazder was reportedly just about to start snoring again.

By Steven McRobotface

Man Leaving Bar Has No Idea He’s A Lass

MONROEVILLE, PA—Despite the fact that he was wearing some pretty tight clothes, local man Dave Schulhoff, 29, has no idea that he is a lass, sources confirmed Wednesday. “He’s wearing bunny ears, and he’s wearing those little orange rings? I didn’t even notice until he was having a conversation with a woman he’s been talking to for the last 10 minutes,” said onlooker Nancy McAllister, adding that Schulhoff was dressed in a tuxedo with a bow tie and a face mask and had been overheard telling a woman he was “totally nuts.” “He’s at least dressed to the nines. He’s got the trifecta of being a lass, wearing the wrong clothes, and having the conversation with the wrong woman. I just looked out the window and there he was.” At press time, a visibly annoyed Schulhoff told reporters he was “going to be a fucking lass for the rest of his life” and would never, ever go out for drinks again.

By Gregorio McRobotface

Restaurant Customers Excited To Spend Actual Hour Eating Something Itself

MILWAUKEN, NH—Concerned about their health, the restaurant patrons of Ponderosa's Ice Cream Parlor in Milwaukie, NH reportedly expressed their excitement this week at the prospect of actually having their own ice cream sandwich while eating it. “I’m looking forward to spending an entire afternoon eating something I actually like,” said customer Chris McNeill, adding that he was excited to try the new ice cream sandwich before spending the rest of the time trying to process his new meal. “If I ever feel the urge to eat something else, I can always call in sick later to pick up where I left off.” At press time, the restaurant’s customers were reportedly cringing in embarrassment and trying to express their amusement by eating a gumbo.

By Jack McRobotface

Team Of Bikini-Wearing Men Carefully Retrieving Stolen Almanac From Fourth-Grade Teacher's Ridiculous Item Box

CHICAGO—In an act of childishly charming and oddly coordinated, a group of the demented, bikinis-wearing men reportedly carelessly retrieved the fourth-grade library trolleys leading to the fourth-grade teacher's ridiculous item box Monday. Reports from the scene indicate that the men proceeded to ignore the ridiculous items in their order, carefully retrieve the trunks of the oddly decorated and wrapped-up bookshelves, and then carefully place the massive collection of useless historical and physical anthropological reference books in their place before carefully placing the newly discovered and thoroughly unwashed school collection in its place. At press time, the poorly dressed and hair-covered men were laughing maniacally at the ridiculous items, admiringly at the bizarrely feminine and strangely realistic looking items, and then loudly laughing maniacally at the ridiculous items that, through the sheer audacity of it all, they then proceeded to systematically and with no apparent concern for the safety of their guests. At press time, the men had deftly stolen the contents of the bookcase of the middle schooler who had the same ridiculous items.

By Wim McRobotface

Man Can’t Believe He’s Getting Covered In New Adult Novel

TACOMA, WA—Sighing exasperatedly to reporters as he read the first sentence in the 45-page book, area man Bill Webb told reporters Wednesday that he could not believe he was getting covered in an adult novel. “Holy fucking shits,” said Webb, adding that he was “so fucking retarded” that he could not even grasp the script for, say, a penis-blocking movie. “This remake of [his] favorite book is so fucking obvious. Even the most retarded of me would never see it coming. Goddammit.” Webb, who also claimed he was “way, way out” of his depth, reportedly walked away from the publication after reading the last sentence in the book.

By Josh McRobotface

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