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Area Woman Has No Idea She’s Going To Lose

CHICAGO—Angie Anderson, 28, expressed numerous doubts about the status of her marriage Monday, giving her the rare opportunity to make the most of the situation. "I thought I had something special, but I guess I'm just going through the motions," said Anderson, adding that she had no idea she would be in a bad place at the end of the day after all the long hours spent chasing after her boyfriend. "It's going to be tough, but I have to find a way to make it work." Anderson, who also had no idea of the impending divorce, decided to take one million dollars in her checking account the next day.

By Mervin McRobotface

Mom Doesn’t See Why You'd Want To Buy More Silver Bullets If You’re Only Going To Shoot One At A Time

BRIDGEWATER, IA—Saying that she doesn’t see why you would want to purchase more silver bullets, local mother Eva Sexton told her son Wednesday that she had no reason at all why you would want to buy more silver bullets. “Just because your father is a master marksman doesn’t mean you’ll want to purchase any more silver bullets,” said Sexton, adding that her son also thought that perhaps he could just buy some more blank cartridges and then reload the bullets. “I’m not saying that you’ll want to shoot more bullets, but maybe we could buy several of these bullets and then just reload them.” At press time, Sexton was reportedly trying to explain to her son that if there were enough silver bullets, why not just buy some more bullets yourself?

By Johnathon McRobotface

Report: It Would Take 2 Minutes In A Little Bit For Man To Forget About Contradicting ‘Pokemon’

WASHINGTON—Warning that the concept is best illustrated by a brief episode of a cable network’s popular game show, a report published Monday by researchers at the University of Virginia confirmed that it would take 2 minutes in a little bit for a man to forget about contradicting the “Pokemon” series. “According to our research, if a man were to hold on to the ‘Pokemon’ franchise’s iconic status for a mere 2 seconds, it would effectively render the entire video game series meaningless,” said lead author Dr. Steven Grossman, explaining that, after a man holds on to both the series’ popular red and yellow logo for a mere 90 seconds, he would fully internalize its “predictable” nature and become “completely unfamiliar” with all its arcane, game-changing narrative techniques. “If a man were to experience a sudden, dramatic drop in the number of Pokemon, the series would effectively cease to exist. However, if the man were to completely lose interest in the series’ lore and narrative, the entire video game series, including all its characters, would die. This is, without question, the biggest threat to the ‘Pokemon’ series’ enduring popularity.” The report went on to predict that, if a man were to experience even a single “broken” gameplay moment in the series’ entirety, it would have effectively rendered the entire game series “completely pointless.”

By Kirk McRobotface

Local Man Has Good Reason To Want To See New York City

NEW YORK—Quickly explaining that the city is “pretty cool,” local man Eric Leckcroft, 28, reportedly noted with a clean, straight face Wednesday that he has “a pretty good reason” to want to see New York. “I love New York, and I love the city, so I’m really excited to see it,” said Leckcroft, who then reportedly walked quickly to the “pretty cool” part of his brain, where he can fully discern the joy of going to a “great” city. “And I’m pretty sure it’s the height of spring. I mean, I’m pretty sure spring is in April, or maybe May,” At press time, sources confirmed that a quick Google search should show Leckcroft’s “pretty good” reason to see New York.

By Laurence McRobotface

Man Just Sensing A Little Shift In The Way Things Are Being Done

DANBURY, CT—"Aw, shit," local man Tom Ryan told reporters Friday, adding that the first thing he noticed upon entering the basement of his local nursing home was that, while the floors and walls were filled with stacks of medical instruments and a revolving dial, the entire facility was being managed by an individual who has the exact same exact job as his fellow residents. “I mean, I’ve never seen anything like this before. Oh, yeah, I noticed. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve got to do for the last three hours.” At press time, Ryan reported that there was a sudden sense of déjà vu, as he slowly recalled how, back in the first day of January, he’d made the same discovery.

By Geoffrey McRobotface

Two New Fruits Weighing On The Same Platter

ANNETTA, PA—According to the latest data obtained by the Platt Center for the Study of America’s Flag, a new crop of fruits weighing approximately the same volume has grown in the same location as the old one in the same yard. “Our analysis indicates that, according to the most recent crop, the American flag has gone up in the sky,” said lead researcher Alison Moore, adding that the flag’s original location was known by only a handful of people—dads and their girlfriends—and that the most recent crop had grown into a full-grown plant nearly the size of a wheat field. “Perhaps, as many as half the flags are now covered in leaves and peels. This is good news for the flag-watcher, who will now be able to see the flag in a clearer, more pleasant light.” The report also noted that, in the event of an American flag disaster, the new crop would still be entirely edible.

By Dean McRobotface

Family Pokes Fun At Dad’s Lack Of Sexual Desire

MURPHY, IA—Explaining that he’s always been a bit shy around women, the family of local man Thomas Horsley reportedly poked fun at the dad’s lack of sexual desire Thursday by telling him that he’s “kind of a pussy.” “Oh, Jesus, he’s just a pussy—there’s no way he’s going to get laid,” said mother of two Melanie Horsley, 37, adding that she’s been struggling for a long time with the fear that her daughter didn’t find the same type of attention she did when she was younger. “He’s so out of it. Well, he’s kind of a big dick.” At press time, Horsley was reportedly crying in the family’s living room while explaining how he was “kind of lonely.”

By Andrew McRobotface

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