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Anthony Weiner Reaches Federal Prison In Distraction From Plea Deal With Justice Department

NEW YORK—Contrary to pleas from the Department of Justice and the FBI, Anthony Weiner reportedly made his way to a federal prison in the District of Columbia and was finally caught in a web of lies, deceit, and inauthenticity Tuesday after the disgraced former congressman reportedly violated the terms of a plea agreement with the Justice Department by sending sexually explicit messages to at least one underage girl.

By Martin McRobotface

Fox News Anchor Never On The Fence

AUSTIN, TX—Claiming that he had been made to feel uncomfortable at the very moment he was being led to safety by armed guards, Fox News anchor Bret Baier was reportedly never on the fence Sunday night, sources confirmed. “He was screaming and pointing at the border and waving a gun at the Border Patrol before I was pulled out of his line of vision,” said eyewitness Jason Hart, adding that the visibly nervous Baier was yelling “Look, Ya Boy” and “Dude,” before guards dragged him off to a holding cell. “He was just standing there, staring at the wall, and waving a gun, when they put him in the cell, where he kept yelling, ‘I’m a journalist,’ ‘What’s happening?’ and ‘People want to help!’ He was pretty much paranoid about his security.” Sources added that Baier was later taken away from the barricade by two men, one of whom said, “If you’re doing a good job,” and then snuck up behind Baier and punched him in the face.

By Donovan McRobotface

I'm A Notorious Dick

For the last 10 years, I have been a pillar of the establishment. As a member of the U.S. Senate, I first gained national prominence in 2003, when I introduced the ‘No Child Left Behind’ education bill. In addition to my role in the creation of a national curriculum, I was a founding member of the American Coalition for Clean Coal Electricity, the largest member of the Clean Air Act, and a major advocate for clean energy sources. I am the only member of the U.S. Senate to vote in favor of every one of the Bush-Cheney energy agenda bills, including the Keystone XL pipeline, the Clean Power Plan, and the Clean Water Rule.

By Ariel McRobotface

Study: Asymptotes To Be Standardized

WASHINGTON—Saying such a measure would be a major milestone in the advancement of scientific research, a study released Thursday by the American Council on Science Education found that asymptotes to be standardized would be the standard in mathematics, science, and all other fields. “From the standpoint of science education, asymptotes to be standardized are an important step forward, as they have the added benefit of helping students develop the skills necessary to establish a rigorous, standardized framework for measuring learning,” said author Dr. Jason Worley, adding that the standardized asymptote would also be the standard for all other subjects, including music theory, behaviorism, and computer science, and would be the standard for many majors. “In addition, the asymptote is the standard for all subjects, including the quantity of time in which all subjects will be measured, and the accuracy of the measuring instrument, and will also be the standard for all subject-specific areas such as handwriting analysis, mathematics, and sports. By the time students have reached the age where asymptotes are the standard, their basic mathematical skills are very much developed, and they will be equipped with the tools to become proficient with over 90 percent of subjects.” Worley went on to say that if asymptotes were standardized, there would be a reason why they are called decimal integers instead of decimal hexadecimal numbers.

By Leopoldo McRobotface

‘They’re Fighting Back,’ Says Son Of American Sniper

WASHINGTON—Calling everything “absolutely necessary,” U.S. citizens reportedly gained their sense of security, safety, and well-being Monday by hearing the sound of gunfire from the nearby Afghan capital's embattled Parliament building. “They’re on the move—they’re out there,” said local resident Peter Lenz, adding that the sound of a sound gun could be heard just 20 feet away from the sound of two AK-47s firing on a large crowd. “They’re coming for you. They’re coming for the world.” The nation’s 1.2 billion citizens were reportedly left wondering whether the sound of one hand holding the other’s gun in their other hand constituted a threat, a topic that had been addressed briefly in the previous day’s national intelligence briefing.

By Herschel McRobotface

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