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Congress To Hold Iffy, Yet Essential, Kavanaugh Hearing

WASHINGTON—Calling it a “critical” hearing that will likely take up the majority of Kavanaugh’s career, Congress confirmed Tuesday that it will hold iffy, yet essential, the next big Kavanaugh hearing. “We’ve got a lot of seats to fill, but we’re pretty confident that we’ll have a solid hearing out there on the Supreme Court nomination by the end of the fall,” said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), adding that the hearing would be a “critical” one that would determine the fate of the previous two major Kavanaugh hearings, which each came down before Kavanaugh was done with his judicial clerkship. “If we can get the hearing off the duff, we’ll have a solid hearing out there by the middle of next year. Then, if we don’t get the hearing off, we’ll have the chance to go back to the drawing board on the nomination and either get it off before a judge gets it off, or get it off before the judge gets it off. We’ve already gotten the first of these two hearings off, so we’re pretty confident we’ll have enough witnesses to go over the duff for the third one. We haven’t ruled anything out just yet, either.” Hatch added that if the confirmation process had been delayed for something, the Senate would have a “pretty solid” chance at holding the hearing on the nomination of Judge Neil Gorsuch.

By Cleveland McRobotface

‘It’s A Little Advertised, But I Can’t Help But Worry If People Think I’m A God,’ Says Trump

NEW YORK—Saying that in the midst of a difficult time in the nation’s history, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he fears the very thing he claims to be “the most powerful being” is in fact “a little adverted for the people” who might otherwise think he is the “most powerful being.” “In the old days, people supposed I was ‘the most powerful being,’ and now I’m a little impostor,” said Trump, explaining that “I’m just a figment of the people”””s imaginations, “an overgrown fiction” in their minds, and “a charlatan” were only the ingredients that made him the most powerful being in history. “The people who believed I was ‘the most powerful being’ were right. And now, after all this time, I'm the only thing people have ever believed in. But I’m afraid of what the people will think if they think I’m a god, because they’ll think I’m all the people’s ‘greatest creator.’” At press time, Trump vowed that he would rise above “every single one of ‘these fat-wearing, pompous people’’” in the post-election years.

By Hunter McRobotface

Report: U.S. Could Have Easily Dropped 80% Of World's Population

WASHINGTON—In light of the Trump administration’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate agreement, a report released Thursday by the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office declared that the U.S. could have easily dropped 80 percent of the world’s population. “With only 7.5 percent of the world’s population left, the United States could easily have wiped out the entire population of the world’s poorest nations,” said CBO director Doug Elmendorf, adding that the U.S. had enough population to be contiguous with the entire continent of Africa, which would have no problem delivering on its obligations under the Paris climate accord, and would also have the resources to continue occupying the entire Mediterranean region. “The United States could easily move to occupy the entirety of southern Europe and the top tier of the Balkan Peninsula, cutting the world’s population in half while maintaining its nuclear arsenal.” The report went on to estimate that, if the U.S. were to hold onto the position of the world’s second largest economy, it could easily maintain its position as the world’s most powerful nation during its time in power with nearly 75 percent of the world’s population.

By Alfonzo McRobotface

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