OAKLAND, CA—According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the man who, with the help of an insurance company, is known as the "universal health care" advocate died from complications of the disease on Wednesday.

KUWAIT, IRAQ—Iraq's Ministry of Finance announced Monday that it was running out of ways to increase the country's underground oil pipeline network. "We can't say exactly how much more oil the pipeline will carry, but we're running out of things to rig in order to keep it running," said Finance Minister Jalal al-Mujaidi. "If we're going to have a pipeline, or even a large, underground pipeline, we should at least be able to rig a few of these things." The Taliban stated they had no immediate plans to run a pipeline.

WASHINGTON—Saying that such knowledge was of paramount importance to ensuring the continued stability and prosperity of the nation, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Housing and Urban Development found that the vast majority of Americans are unaware how to fix cities. “Our research shows that in nearly every instance in which people attempt to reorganize a metropolitan area, they are either completely unaware of exactly how to do it, or are poorly equipped to do so,” said lead researcher Dr. Nathan Pierce, adding that as many as 75 percent of those surveyed failed to realize that they should be able to completely tear down and rebuild a city, and that it would be best to simply move to another one if they had any hope of creating a fairly functional, livable city. “We found that, in almost every instance, individuals are unable to completely demolish and rebuild a city, and that this is due to the fact that they either do not have the skills to make a city function properly, or simply do not have the necessary property to make the city function properly.” The study also found that fewer than 50 percent of the American population is familiar with the concept of a waste-free landfill, 62 percent are not familiar with the concept of an urban renewal program, and that only a minority of Americans have been issued a certificate.

WASHINGTON—In an outcome widely criticized as a grave and gravely disappointing failure of American democracy, the U.S. Treasury Department has borrowed more money this year than at any time since 1989, the year the Republican Party was founded.

NEW YORK—A group of angry and raucous youngsters reportedly broke into a Bernie Sanders rally in the borough of Queens Tuesday night and began screaming, “F*ck you,” before the Vermont senator began speaking. “F*ck you!” the children reportedly bellowed, raising their fists to smash the senator’s podium and smash several chairs and a television camera that was mounted directly in the middle of the room. “Suck your big, fat mouth!” At press time, the crowd had been moved to a different venue and, following a brief show of Sanders’ running campaign ads, had reportedly doused the candidate in a stream of vitriol.

Last night, President Obama got into a tangle in the White House press room, where he described a very small portion of his life, his greatest achievement, and the policies of his opponent, and then said, "Well, I guess I'm kinda out of it now," and went a little bit further, saying he "would be pretty happy" with the job he was doing now.

WASHINGTON—Criticizing the commander in chief for failing to secure the wall, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly told reporters Thursday that President Trump and his aides were responsible for not building the fence. “Just because we’re not building the fence doesn’t mean there’s no one out there who is capable of prying it down,” said Kelly, adding that he “wanted to make it clear” to Trump that he had no direct responsibility for the barrier’s failure, as he himself had been the one who began the construction. “We can’t blame him for not going all the way through the fence, either. The fence doesn’t stop at the border; it also includes the entire U.S.–Mexico border. We’ve also got giant rocks, huge rocks, huge rocks, and I’m very proud of how quick our President can pull them.” Kelly added that he would continue to stand by his decision, however, as the fence would not have been completed if he or Trump had not also failed to secure the U.S.–Mexico border.

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a recent decision by the White House to rule out any involvement in supporting an international communist movement, President Donald Trump slammed Barack Obama for “downplaying” his opposition to the existence of such a movement and said that the president should “leave it to the communists” and “go to hell for all the communists” instead. “If the communists are telling me I can’t help them, then I need to do my job and go to the maximum-security state prison in the U.S., where Obama has gone to jail for betraying the American people,” said Trump, adding that he has already received several calls from “the communists” asking if he is in fact a communist, claiming he has no enough information to make a definitive statement, and that “the communists” will “make a big deal out of nothing” if he is. “If Obama completely downplays his opposition to a communist movement, then I’ll probably be in some kind of crazy asylum. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but I’m pretty sure I’m in a mental institution. So, if I are a communist, I’m a communist.” At press time, the president was reportedly repeating a line from a speech he delivered at the Democratic National Convention last week in which he asserted that “if the communists” were telling him I’m a communist, then I’m a communist.”

‘If I were a communist, I would be in prison for fuck,’ Says Trump

WASHINGTON—Following a leak of the executive order that will allow millions of undocumented immigrants to remain in the country, the White House employees who have worked in the executive branch for more than two decades were reportedly appalled this week when the commander in chief unexpectedly began to experience a peculiarly diarrheic coughing fit.