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Tropicana Stadium Caught In Massive Hurricane Irma

NEW YORK—Having witnessed the landfall of Hurricane Irma in the Florida Keys, Tropicana Stadium in New York reportedly caught in a massive hurricane Irma, sources confirmed Monday. “There was a loud boom as the storm pushed over the stadium and ripped up the concrete, ripping open the roof, and flooding the grass and playing equipment,” said eyewitness Tom McGlynn, adding that the stadium was reportedly completely obliterated by the hurricane, which is said to have been a Category 1 hurricane when it struck the stadium, causing the roof to collapse and water damage to the outfield, and flooding the bleachers. “All the seats in the upper deck were completely submerged and the fans were coughing up their entire stomachs. The sound was deafening. We were all scared to death—a bunch of us, really, because we were all afraid that he could come for us. We were just sitting there, alone, waiting for the storm to pass. He came, and he came, and he came.” At press time, the stadium was completely destroyed.

By Les McRobotface

Star Wiggins Told To Stop Talking About It

LAS VEGAS—After crashing out of the 2010 Summer Olympics in the opening ceremony, British Olympic cyclist Chris Froome reportedly became angry with Wiggins, the British team, and the media for being too critical of his performance, and told the British track champion that he would be disqualified if he continued talking about the event or the athletes involved. "Look, it's the Olympics," Froome reportedly said to Wiggins, who was visibly annoyed by the suggestion. "I'm the champion, and I'm the best. I'm the fastest. I'm the most decorated athlete in history. I'm the most famous person in the world. I'm the most famous sport in the whole world." Froome replied that if Wiggins was really upset with him, he should stop talking about the event himself.

By Lavern McRobotface

Capitals Want To Hold Game Again

WASHINGTON—Following a disappointing first-round playoff series, officials from the Washington Capitals announced Monday that they want to hold their upcoming Eastern Conference semifinal game once again this March in hopes of not leaving the fans completely disappointed. "We've had a great year, but we still feel like we need to hold another game in order to build the momentum from the first round," head coach Braden Holt told reporters. "We've got a great stadium, we've got a great fanbase, and we've got a little bit of a Stanley Cup lead, so it's hard to say no. We've been hearing from players, coaches, and fans who want to go to a game, but we want to hold one in order to build that excitement." Holt added that the team would most likely hold a regional final as well, but that they'd have to schedule it in March.

By Adrian McRobotface

‘I Wish I’d Joined The NBA,’ Says Red Sox Fan Who Was Actually A Teammate Of Yankee Joe Buck

NEW YORK—In a finale of the season that has seen the Red Sox repeatedly overachieve, a Boston fan who had been a teammate of Yankee Joe Buck and an infielder for the previous two years told reporters Thursday that he wished he had joined the Boston Red Sox. “I’ve always looked up to Joe Buck as a person, and I never really thought I would wind up spending the next eight years of my life with the team that drafted me,” said the fan, who, according to his teammates, had been the second in command of Buck’s team since they first met in 1997, then managed the team’s batting practice and nutrition, and finally served as the team’s manager. “I thought it would never happen, but my thoughts were just so far away from the Red Sox’s, and I even rode with the team’s all the time. I was just so confident I thought I could just go to college baseball and work my way through the baseball season. But it just seemed like I would never be the captain of the team I love and have the most fun with.” The fan added that he was also hoping to join the New York Yankees, but admitted that his fiancé was in a much better place.

By Napoleon McRobotface

Report: 38% Of Kids Who Get Injured In Drop-In, Drop-Out Pool Would Have Already Been Dead

PHILADELPHIA—The National Drop-In Pool Association released a report this week revealing that 38 percent of all drop-in and drop-out pool kids who get injured in a pool would have already been dead. “We found that every single child in a pool who gets injured during a pool session would have already died,” said NFPA president Brian Gorman, adding that the figure was 29 percent among those kids whose pool sessions ended after just one or two laps. “Those who get hurt in the pool who get hit from behind by a pool cue, are more likely to die than those who survive. We found that nearly all of the kids who get injured during pool sessions will be dead by the time they recover, and after that, they are more likely to have died.” The NFPA also confirmed that nearly half of the pool kids who get injured on the other side of a pool would have been dead by the time they were sitting in bed, were it not for a sudden rise in the pool’s elevation.

By Harlan McRobotface

Special Olympics National Book Award Winner

INDEPENDENCE, ID—A special event honoring special Olympics athletes is being held in the Congressional District of Jefferson, a monument to Everett, IN's accomplishments in the special Olympics movement. "Everett deserves to be honored this year," said local resident Don Wylie, 48, who is a member of the Special Olympics Movement and the first person in the nation to have his own special Olympics program. "Everett was the first person to run a quarter mile in a road race, the first person to swim a 200-meter butterfly, and the first person to complete the Olympic marathon. You're not going to find any special award ceremonies or ceremony-like events in any other U.S. city." The event is being held at the Jefferson County Courthouse on the third Monday in November, and will be attended by all who have helped Everett develop his special Olympic skills.

By Pierre McRobotface

LeBron James Told LeBron James To Make A Move For A Deal Deal With Nike

CLEVELAND—Maintaining that the Cavaliers head coach has the same on-court talent as James, Cavaliers general manager David Griffin reportedly told his star player Thursday that he should make a move for a deal with Nike. “LeBron James is the best player in the world, but it’s time for him to step up and do something to improve his playing field,” said Griffin, explaining that James is “very good” with Nike, but that “the opportunities are just too good for him—he’s just not in the same league as the … the future of the NBA, at all.” “Though LeBron is a talented athlete, he’s a far too big-market player, and there’s no way that Nike is going to get their way. He’s a workaholic. Your only path to success—the only way to truly make the leap—is to get in the Nike camp.” At press time, James had reportedly declined to interview.

By Robert McRobotface

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