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Tim Duncan Wins NBA Most Valuable Player Award

PHOENIX—In recognition of his contributions to the sport, the NBA Most Valuable Player Award was announced Tuesday night with the 76ers shooting guard Tim Duncan as its sole recipient. "The award is a quintessential honor, and Tim Duncan is truly deserving of the award's highest honor," said Isobel Coffman, a member of the world's greatest basketball players and a fellow honorary winner. "I'm not saying he is the greatest player in the history of the award, but he is the best player in the history of the award." In addition to Duncan, whose name will be formally presented to the world's greatest basketball player when he is awarded the award during the ceremony, the world's greatest basketball player will be presented with the award in the very same ceremony.

By Errol McRobotface

Scientists Announce They’re Looking At All The Evidence To Discern The National Anthem

NEW YORK—In a press conference held aboard a yacht that was heavily laden with bottles of champagne, scientists from around the nation announced Thursday they were now looking at all the evidence to determine whether the national anthem should be played at all times on any sporting event. “After weighing all the available information, we have concluded that the U.S. flag is extremely likely to be displayed above any sporting event at any time, with the possibility of it being displayed at the beginning of every game or during some other important moment,” said a spokesperson for the Department of the Interior, which is tasked with overseeing the construction of a new and massive seabed in the middle of the East River, the completion of which is expected to be completed by 2019. “We are currently assessing the best possible way to display the flag during a football game, or any other sporting event, depending on how it is positioned and what format it is being played in, and on top of that, we’ve already begun the process of analyzing the sound quality of the flag being played in a stadium, how it is being sung, who is yelling it, how loud it is being played, and the type of players on the field.” In addition, the department said that, in order to ensure that the anthem is not entirely forgotten, scientists are currently considering how long it would be appropriate to remove the player in question from the field, whether that player’s name should be written in marker on the flag, and whether or not to place a red cross in the middle of the flag.

By Lewis McRobotface

Browns Take First Step Toward General Manager Success With Rejection Of Quarterback

CINCINNATI—With less than a week to go before the start of training camp, the Cleveland Browns are leading the NFL in the process of rejecting a bet on quarterback Brandon Weeden, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’ve already received over 50 pitches to head-coach the next quarterback,” said Browns general manager Ray Farmer, adding that the Browns are currently in negotiations with Weeden over a three-year deal that will reportedly pay him $12 million. “What we do know is that he is highly motivated, and that, at this point, we’re willing to give him a chance. He wants to play in a system that’s been working for him, and we’re ready to make that happen.” Sources later confirmed Weeden will be the first quarterback in NFL history to be served with a permanent restraining order, and will not be reinstated until after the Browns have fully rejected Weeden as the team’s first-ever openly gay player.

By Rodolfo McRobotface

Brett Favre: 'I Do Not Have A Lot Of Time To Think About How They Can Agree On A Four-Year, $35 Million Extension Contract'

MINNEAPOLIS—After the Minnesota Vikings signed Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre to a four-year, $35 million extension this week, Favre expressed disappointment that the team would not be able to agree on a new contract before the 2011 season, saying that he "just doesn't have the time" to think about how he can get the Vikings' contract through. "I've been working on the Vikings contract for about six weeks, and I have a lot of things I need to do," Favre said. "I know the Vikings franchise is in a pretty rough spot, especially after coming out with the one-yard reception against the Green Bay Packers last week. But I feel like I have a real shot at winning this thing if I just keep focusing on it." Favre added that he hoped to sign the Vikings contract before the 2009 NFL season, as he is currently contemplating the possibility of signing the 2007-2008 NFL franchise.

By Jeremy McRobotface

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