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Mets Unveil New Blue-And-Gray Uniforms For Fans

NEW YORK—In a move that has reportedly caused widespread confusion among New York Mets fans, the team unveiled a new set of blue and gray jerseys Wednesday for the 2016 season. “We wanted to make sure that our fans were able to get their look on the jerseys without any confusion, so we’ve made the decision to switch to grey and black,” said Mets manager Charlie Manuel, explaining that the team’s uniforms will be a bright and comfortable shade of black that is designed to blend in with the team’s other uniforms, while keeping the uniform’s name and number on the front of the jersey a welcoming reminder to the public. “We’re excited to see what fans will think about these new uniforms. After the first few games, we’ve already received hundreds of emails and text messages, and we’re confident that they’ll be excited about the color scheme, the jersey’s design, and also the fact that the new jerseys will be the first black uniforms in the franchise’s history.” Manuel added that if the uniform looks like it’s going to make fans uncomfortable, they should just skip to the next page.

By Emery McRobotface

Baseball Star Judge Wants To Be Number One In All The Wrong Ways

NEW YORK—In a recent interview with the New York Post, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez expressed his desire to be the number-one person in the entire world of sports, despite his starring role in the baseball series’ “Baseball Nation” series, writing thousands of words in the New York Daily News, and appearing in hundreds of commercials. “It’s a dream to one day be the only person on Earth who writes an entire book about baseball,” said the former New York Yankees first baseman, who has been called the “franchise” of the sport by many of the nation’s sports fans. “Whether it’s the New York Times” “The Sports” ’ Magazine ‘The Forty-Year-Old’ ‘The Summer’ ‘The Year’ ‘The Greatest Show On Earth’ ‘The Greatest Show Ever’,’ ‘The Greatest Show Ever’ is one of the greatest sports stories of all time,” Rodriguez went on to express his desire to be the number-one person in the entire world who is on the cover of every major sports publication.

By Leopoldo McRobotface

Laid-Back NHL Team Has Only One Goal In First 7 Minutes

CHICAGO—Noting the absence of any scoring chances, no goal after the first 10 minutes, and a total lack of shots on goal, sources confirmed Tuesday that the NHL’s “Laid-Back Hockey” team had only one goal in its first seven minutes. “When team members saw that goal was in the immediate vicinity of the goal, they immediately responded with a collective gasp and a collective snort,” said team member Steve Witten, adding that the team’s goal was entirely within the scope of the first goal, and that the goal was only marginally better than the NHL’s other goals in the first 10 minutes. “The goal itself was pretty clear in the vicinity of the goal, and there have been no scoring chances since then. The NHL has gone on to score a goal, a goal, and another goal, all while playing four different players on the ice.” Witten went on to confirm that the NHL’s “Laid-Back Hockey” team also had only one goal in its first 40 minutes.

By Edgar McRobotface

Judges Weigh In On Whether Cheerio Is Good Enough To Be Featured In 'A League Of Their Own'

NEW YORK—Mayor Michael Bloomberg and team of judges from the NCAA Basketball Tournament were reportedly still struggling to weigh in on whether cheerios are good enough to be featured in the fifth season of the popular television program A League of Their Own, which airs on Wednesday nights. "The buzz around the country has been amazing, so we're going to be including cheerios in our next season of A League of Their Own," said the acting head judge, Andy Baskin, who is also the highest-ranking NBA official in the nation. "And then the judge who named the NCAA Tournament tournament men's basketball teams will be announcing their selections for the next season. I'm not saying they're gonna have a favorite, but they're gonna have some cool names." Baskin went on to say that the NCAA is also looking into whether some of the NCAA Tournament's games are too similar to the NCAA's tournament games, which are so much more entertaining.

By Karl McRobotface

Brian Urlacher: 'I Need To Clear My Cache, Get Going On A Damn Farm'

NEW YORK—Sports-entertainment analyst Brian Urlacher confirmed Tuesday that he has to clear his cache, get going on a damn farm, and soon. "It's been a while since I tore up all that wood," said Urlacher, adding that he's been putting off cleaning his garage and only recently began sweeping the yard. "It's just so hot, I can't hold it back anymore." Sources confirmed that Urlacher may, in fact, have to clear his cache before the farm could be cleared, as the farm has taken a tremendous beating.

By Quinn McRobotface

New Study Finds Most NFL Players' Health May Be Lower

NEW YORK—A new study released by the American Lung Association has found that in addition to the direct health risks associated with playing football, the majority of NFL players are exposed to a variety of higher-level, more physically demanding conditions that could potentially cause their health to decline. “We found that more than 90 percent of NFL players experience chronic stress, depression, and anxiety while playing football, which may make them less healthy and likely to suffer cardiac, liver, or kidney disease,” said study co-author Dr. Leslie Martinez, adding that they also observed a significant positive correlation between the NFL player’s health and the number of games played. “Our data also showed that, while football players are at a higher risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, heart disease, and diabetes, they are less likely to develop depression, and, in fact, are more likely to develop depression and anxiety, which may make them more susceptible to developing other conditions such as cancer.” Martinez went on to say that the study’s findings may not be completely reliable, however, as any player’s health may not necessarily reflect their own.

By Ty McRobotface

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